Akatsuki Employee Handbook
by Phantomflower
Summary: A guide to all things Akatsuki. From how members are chosen to organizational rules and regulations, look for it here.
1. Welcome

Every organization has a how to behave to be a member of us... manual. Below is Akatsuki's.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Lady Khali owns the original plot of Akatsuki Employee Handbook, but has allowed me to continue it as she cannot do so herself.

A/N: Due to confusion some have due to the fact Lady Khali is the original author of this, explaining is in order. I had taken over this fic when she was forced to stop the Handbook.

Update 4/8/13: I've reviewed the grammar of this chapter and added an omake. Also, this fic will soon have its own cover instead of my avatar to look at. It's a simple design, but I find that the best designs are the simplest.

* * *

**Welcome to Akatsuki! Please read the following manual, sign, date, and return the form on the back indicating you have read and understood this manual in its entirety.**

WARNING: If you are reading this manual, it is assumed that you are a full member of Akatsuki. If you do not have this status, continuing reading is highly inadvisable as you have either:

A) killed one of our members and are currently going through his or her personal effects;

B) sneaked into headquarters and stolen a copy from our library;

C) stolen the personal effects of one our members; or

D) hacked into our main frame.

In the event of A, kindly stick around. Zetsu will be by shortly to discuss our employment offer. Although we will require that you read this at some point in the future, we prefer to explain the general nature of our organization first. This should reduce confusion on your part.

In the event of B, please fill out the following:

_Dear (insert next of kin and address here):_

_I regret to inform you that I made a grave error in judgment. Although I thought my target was unaware of my presence, they were. By the time you read this, I will have been tortured and killed, and my body will have been disposed of in an unidentifiable manner. The blood on this letter is mine and may be used for identification purposes._

_Sincerely,_

_(Sign your name above)_

In the event of C, fill out the following:

_Dear (insert next of kin and address here):_

_I am an idiot. I stole (list stolen items) from (insert Akatsuki member's name. If unknown, leave blank), an S-Class criminal and known member of Akatsuki. As penance for my many sins, (insert Akatsuki member's name) has permanently removed me from the gene pool. Hopefully my existence did not cause you any great difficulty._

_Sincerely,_

_(Sign your name above)_

_Akatsuki note: If the removal of the above named person is a cause of great joy, please donate to our cause using the attached envelope._

In the event of D, although we are not computer geeks and many of us are computer illiterate, we pride ourselves in our ability to hire good people who can and will track you down. We highly advise that you run, find a new profession, and a new name. If you provide a good enough chase, we may offer you a subordinate position. Your life depends entirely on your ability to entertain us. Now, get moving.

All authorized personnel (and you know who you are) are required to read this manual in its entirety and sign the attached sheet indicating you have both received and read it. (Yes, Hidan. You must read this manual.)

_**Note: Each section of this manual was originally written by individual members of Akatsuki and all contents appear in the order in which they were received. As such, it is subject to editing by senior management (aka. Pain and Madara). Any edits are final. Dispute at your own risk.**_

* * *

In the meeting room at the Amegakure base of Akatsuki, Hidan stood in his new Akatsuki cloak. He had just been inducted into the organization.

He had already been assigned Kakuzu as a partner and given a cloak and ring, so he did not understand why Leader-sama was motioning him to stay.

As much as the silver-haired Jashinist wanted to just get going and give Leader the middle finger, he knew better. It was not worth the threat of being skinned alive by Leader's chick. That would be very painful and not have the same pleasure as he had with his Jashinist techniques.

The Leader handed him a book. It was black with red trim and had the Akatsuki's red cloud on the front. It appeared to be quite thick.

"What the fuck is this?"

"It is the Akatsuki Employee Handbook. All members are required to read it. It explains the rules that you must abide by as a member of our organization."

So, it was like the Book of Jashin, which told how Hidan had to behave as a Jashinist. Hidan didn't like reading that much, except for religious purposes.

"Do I have to read all of this?!"

"Yes Hidan, you have to read all of the manual."

The Akatsuki's newest member could have swore that Leader smirked at him as he said that.

Hidan was escorted to his new room. It had white walls and was only furnished with the bare basics. Well, if he had to read the thing, he would get started.

The silver haired man did so quietly on his futon until he was onto the hygiene section. There was a rule that caught his eye.

No member of Akatsuki was allowed to wear jewelry. That meant that he couldn't wear his Jashinist rosary.

The realization made Hidan so angry that he threw the book across the room. It was very sturdy, so it did not break or land a scratch.

It was during this burst of anger that the purple-eyed shinobi got an idea.

The book had mentioned that exceptions were made for piercings and floral necklaces. Perhaps he should do something so horrendous that Leader-sama would have to grant an exception if asked.

For this reason, he began doing Jashinist sacrifices all over the base. His first ritual was performed in the kitchen. The blood left a large mess on the floor. Deidara had to clean it up when put on kitchen duty. Spots of blood stuck on the cabinets for days.

Itachi's bedroom was next. It was open for desecration as its main occupant was on a long-term spying mission. His subordinates, Yoshida Shiori and Shibata Mayu, worked hurriedly to remove the blood splatter. Even so, some remained on the walls and his crow Kagemaru's perch.

Hidan's rituals in those areas caused annoyance, but not enough stink was raised. The muscular man had to hide his rosary from the view of others. The humiliation gnawed at his mind.

_What do I need to do? I can't just walk up to those assholes to demand an exception. Maybe I should do a ritual in a public place, like the lobby?_

When he had his ritual in the lobby, he made sure to make it extra bloody. Konan shrieked upon finding him. Zetsu took one look and decided it was better to use Mayfly to exit the base than go through the lobby. Personnel found alternative entrances for the next week.

One night, the Akatsuki's founder had a late night visitor. Seeing Hidan stabbing himself in Madara's swirl-patterned bed cause the latter to yell very colorful words.

The other members were very disgusted, so they eventually complained to Leader-sama.

"Pain, go find out why Hidan's doing this. He even performed a ritual in Madara-sama's room. He and Deidara have been threatening to destroy the base to get rid of Hidan if nothing is done."

Following Konan's request, Pain followed the sound of moans to Itachi's room.

It was a good thing that he was on a spying mission to the Outside. If the young man found his room being disgraced in his absence, he would burn down all of the base without assistance from anyone. Even though he had a terminal illness, he was among the strongest members of Akatsuki.

"Hidan," the Akatsuki leader confronted, "why have you been performing rituals all over the hideout?"

Once the problem was voiced, the orange-haired man was all too happy to grant an exception. Hidan still had to read all of the Handbook and was punished for his behavior.

He had to clean up the messes from his rituals, would be the subject of target practice for a month, and was put on kitchen duty for a few weeks.

The silver haired Jashinist was prohibited from going into Itachi's bedroom to stop the bloody messes from his rituals. It did not stop him. Instead, Itachi dealt with the newest member himself upon his return.

"Why did you use Tsukuyomi on him?!"

In the Akatsuki meeting chambers, Pain confronted Itachi.

"He was a stranger in Headquarters in an Akatsuki uniform performing a disgusting activity in my bedroom. You know from Toge-san's messages that my mission did not go as planned and I have been in poor health. All I wanted after introducing Mitsuki-chan to Konan-san was to retire to my quarters."

The teen, who for the first time in months was wearing his Akatsuki uniform, coughed as he finished. Shaking like a leaf, he looked ready to collapse.

"I see. Hidan is our newest member. I understand that you are angry with him invading your room and making a large mess, but try a different way to deal with him in the future. Itachi, since you are barely standing, I will escort you to your room personally and have Kazuki do a healing session."

Itachi collapsed when entering his room. He was barred from missions for a while, staying at Headquarters.

And, while he caused the Akatsuki irritation through other methods, Hidan never snuck into another member's bedroom again.


	2. Organizational Goals

**Organizational Goals by Madara Uchiha**

Utilize a combination of financial and military pressure to weaken the socioeconomic foundations of the five shinobi nations, eventually causing them to falter. Thus, increasing the power of Akatsuki relative to the power of the five shinobi nations and elevating Akatsuki to Great Power status. Once we have obtained Great Power status, through diplomatic, militaristic, and economic means Akatsuki will rise in stature until the five shinobi nations are largely defunct and/or irrelevant. At which time, Akatsuki will lead a unipolar system as opposed to the multipolar system currently in place, thereby reducing the large scale conflict potential that currently exists under the present multipolar system. Unipolar systems by their very nature cause numerous small scale conflicts. Engaging in these conflicts as both warriors and military-driven aid will continue to provide Akatsuki with power, visibility, and increased financial status while upholding the unipolar system with Akatsuki as the sole remaining Great Power.

_In normal people language:_

_Take away the jobs from the five nations. Attack them with the tailed beasts. Demolish them. Become the sole power that no one else can stand up against and quietly control everything._

_My apologies for the above. Madara is showing off, again._

_Pain_


	3. Proper Hygiene

* * *

Proper Hygiene by Konan

_Edited by Pain. All edits in italics._

_**Reedited by Konan. See bold italics.**_

The following rules are requirements, not guidelines or suggestions.

1) Regular bathing is required. Regular is defined as 1 bath and/or shower with soap every _other (Every day is a bit excessive.)_ day. _**Every day is not excessive and if a certain someone wants to sleep in the bed and not on the floor, he will rethink that idiotic comment. **__Fine, bathe every day except when prohibited by circumstances in the field._

_**Due to recent events (i.e. Hidan), all bathing and laundry must be done with water and approved soap as issued by Akatsuki's quartermaster. Blood is not now, nor will it ever be an acceptable liquid for cleansing one's person or clothing.**_

2) Uniforms and all uniform components should be laundered regularly.

3) The smell test does not determine the cleanliness of laundry. Laundry out of the dirty clothes basket, under your bed, or the pile in the corner of the room is not clean and you may not wear it. _The smell test is perfectly valid. Pick it up and sniff. If it smells clean, its clean. __**Ewe, you are so not coming near me smelling like a dirty laundry basket. **__Please disregard my previous edit. The smell test is not valid._

4) Uniforms stained with substance other than grass must be discarded and may no longer be worn. _Minor blood stains are okay. __**Minor bloodstains constitute bloodstains on the black portion of the robe that are invisible to the naked eye without a doujutsu. Uniforms with stained clouds must be disposed of. Torn uniforms must be replaced.**_

5) We do not care what type of underwear you wear, but you will wear it. _Hidan, this means you._

6) Shoes are required at all official functions and fights.

7) Shaving is required of all male members who can grow facial hair. _**Deidara and Itachi: In answer to your questions, no, you are not required to shave your peach fuzz.**_

8) Hair must be brushed daily. _Kakuzu, this means you._

9) Fingernails must be short, clean, and neatly trimmed. _**All dirt must picked out from underneath your nails prior to dining.**_

10) No jewelry. _Exceptions made for piercings, jashinist emblems, and floral necklaces. _

11) No strong perfumes or after shaves or any other commercial scent that is easily tracked.

12) Scent-free deodorant must be worn at all times.

13) Forehead protectors must be cleaned once a week.

14) All ninja tools should be sharp and free of blood, entrails, etc. _For the clarification purposes, Samehada is a ninja tool. Scythes are also ninja tools. _


	4. Dress Code

**Dress Code by Orochimaru**

_Edited by Pain_

_**Updated by Sasori (re: Orochimaru's departure)**_

The following constitute the Akatsuki uniform and must be worn at all times:

1) Chain mail mesh undershirt and leggings.

2) Black pants.

3) Black shirt of your choice (optional and we'd prefer you didn't wear it). _Shirts are not optional. The pervert spent too many developmental years hanging around my first sensei. You must wear it! __**Exception made for Hidan due to high cost of replacement shirts after rituals. **_

4) White stirrups. _Itachi and Kisame: We do mean __white_ _stirrups, not off-white or any other assimilation of colors you two cook up because you never learned how to properly sort laundry. Here's a tip. Wash the stirrups in bleach._ _**He meant wash the stirrups in bleach separately from the rest of your clothing and no, you may not wear any of the clothing with bleach spots.**_

5) Standard issue ninja sandals. _Exception made for Konan who kindly pointed out that standard issue women's footwear has heels. You may wear men's if you prefer._

6) Akatsuki ring worn on assigned finger. _**As Orochimaru has since discovered, this cannot be removed, so this goes without saying.**_

7) Scored forehead protector of your former village. _Exception made for Sasori. We didn't realize you hated your village so much you no longer had one. __**Actually, he does have one. He just can't find it. **__Exception stricken. Sasori, find your hitae-ate! Exception made for Zetsu. __**Zetsu, at some point you will have to tell us where you come from...**_

8) Standard issue black with red clouds cloak. Cloaks should fall to midshin. Recently there has been some debate on using billowy cloaks as opposed to form fitting. All cloaks must be form fitting and should clearly delineate shoulders and waist line with a slight flare to ease the cloak over the hip area. On males, only buttons at waist height and below should be buttoned. _Disregard above. You must wear the standard issue cloak (black with red clouds). Cloaks should fall to mid shin. All cloaks should be tastefully tailored and not form fitting. Use your own judgment. Cloaks should be worn mostly buttoned. __**Exception made for Sasori's puppet shell. Cloak length may touch the ground. Cloaks may be removed during intense battle situations. If you remove your cloak, your death is imminent. **_

9) Rice farmer's hat with hanging cloth strips that obscure your face and a small hanging bell.

10) Delectable bow accenting the waist and buttocks area. _No. Just no. __**Absolutely, under no circumstances are you to wear this!!**_

**Zetsu, I understand your argument about how tunneling traps dirt inside your cloak. Although you have my sympathies on your plight, I expect you to continue wearing the cloak at all times. If you have an idea for a minor (i.e. INVISIBLE) alteration that will prevent this problem, you have my blessing, but keep in mind what I will do to you if I notice it. **

**Madara**


	5. Duties and Responsibilities

**Duties and Responsibilities by Kisame Hoshigaki**

_Edited by Pain_

_**Updated by Kisame Hoshigaki**_

**Additional Update by Madara Uchiha**

Like all organizations, Akatsuki has certain expectations. The duties and responsibilities that follow are a basic list of those expectations and are in no way intended to be comprehensive. Some members are more responsible than others and have additional duties not described herein. Those of you with additional duties (and you know who you are) are still responsible for those duties regardless of whether or not they are listed below.

1. Do not undertake any activities detrimental to Akatsuki ("the Organization") or the Organization's Goals as described in Section 2 of this manual. _For those of you who do not know, detrimental means "tending to cause harm". Please do not ask any more questions regarding common definitions. There is a dictionary in every Akatsuki base for this purpose. Alternatively, you may ask your partner. __**Don't be surprised if your partner beats you up for asking a stupid question.**_

2. If you question whether or not an activity would harm the Organization, don't do it without discussing it with either Pain or Madara first. **Until further notice, see Kisame Hoshigake for preliminary approval. He may or may not, at his discretion, refer the matter to me for final approval. Due to recent events, no outside activities may be undertaken without approval from Madara Uchiha. Yes, Sasuke. This section was revised because of you. **

3. Think with your brain, not your hormones, gut feeling, personal ambitions, or any other nonsense. _Hidan, your brain is located in your head, not lower down. __**Until further notice, all decisions for Hidan will be made by his partner Kakuzu. Apparently, he deprived his brain of oxygen one too many times and is now sorely lacking mental capacity. **_**Juugo, you pointed out that while transformed, you were not rational. You are correct in this statement and will not be held to this rule while transformed. During all other times, we expect you to abide by it.**

4. Bi-weekly visits to a local psychologist of the Organization's choosing are optional, but may be required from time to time at the sole discretion of senior management. _Due to the manner of both Sasori and Deidara's deaths, it is now mandatory for all non-management members to attend bi-weekly sessions with a designated psychologist. See Konan to schedule your appointments. __**Dude, you think you're a god. Don't you think that warrants a little counseling? **_**Pain, in answer to your earlier question, no, you may not kill or harm Kisame for his insinuations. Therapy is mandatory for all active members and associates and that includes you. If it makes you feel better, Konan and I will both go to your first session and hold your hand. Be good and maybe the psychologist will give you a lollipop afterward.**

5. Each member who is not part of senior management must capture their assigned tailed beast. _This is not negotiable._

6. Proper hygiene and the dress code are not suggestions. Follow them. _Neither I nor any other member will protect you from Konan's wrath if you don't. Believe me when I say she will personally scrub your skin RAW._

7. Each member should undertake the following:

A) Identify and collect appropriate bounties. _Kakuzu, you may NOT collect bounties placed on other members. I know Itachi's is particularly high at the moment, but NO!_

B) Identify and call to the attention of senior management potential new members. _Several of you have recommended Subaku no Gaara and Naruto Uzamaki as potential members. Regardless of their power, they are not now nor will they ever be candidates. __**Correction: Due to his resurrection, in the highly unlikely event that he deserts his village, bijuu-less Gaara may be considered for membership.**_

C) Recruit new members as ordered. _Deidara, blowing them up without warning is not an acceptable recruiting practice._

D) Gather intelligence. _**This does not apply to Hidan. **_**Members of Team Hawk are not subject to this rule as their hormones interfere with their cognitive abilities.**

E) Understand the basic political structure of the five shinobi nations and their allies and how to exploit it. _**Classes will be held each Monday from 0800 to 1700 with a one hour lunch break beginning immediately. Instructors: Kisame Hoshigake and Madara Uchiha. **_**Attendance is mandatory for all members of Team Hawk!**

F) Memorize all S and A-rank shinobi listed in our bingo book. _See Konan for stiff paper to make flash cards. Bingo Book Memory is quite fun and a wonderful way to brush up._

G) Recommend additions to our bingo book. _Konoha's Team Gai and Team Kakashi are already in our Bingo Book. This includes the pink-haired brat. Please don't recommend her again. Shikamaru Nara is also in the bingo book, as are the Sand Siblings._

H) Retain control of your temper during meetings with other members.

8. Do not leave evidence of Akatsuki techniques behind on the battlefield. Unless you are deceased, you are responsible for the clean-up. _Zetsu is responsible for body removal, but you are responsible for summoning him. If you fail to summon him, you will spend the next three weeks as Akatsuki's self-healing practice dummy._

9. While in the hideout, each member is responsible for the following:

A) Washing your own dishes.

B) Removing towels and other laundry from the common bathroom. Under no circumstances should you leave your dirty underwear on the floor for someone else to trip over.

C) When drinking milk, use a glass, not the jug. Other people live here to.

D) Clean up the kitchen after cooking and/or preparing food.

E) All jutsu other than genjutsu is strictly prohibited within hideouts unless you have prior approval. This means no exploding clay, great fire balls, puppet 'shows', water dragons, or any other jutsus on the restricted list. For a complete list of restricted jutsu, see Konan. _Due to the tsukuyomi incident, genjutsu is now forbidden._ _(Deidara, I really am sorry. I honestly did not expect Itachi and Kisame to team up and shave a stripe down the middle of your head.)_

F) Properly re-shelve books when using the common library. The system is very basic. Locate the shelf with the same letter as is on the spine of the book. Then, put the book in numerical order using the number printed below the letter. If you cannot follow these instructions, do not use the library.

G) Do not eat Zetsu's human food. If you don't know why, feel free to ask, but keep a barf bag handy. _**Do not eat anything out of the green refrigerator. That's Zetsu's.**_

10. Several members of Akatsuki are overly religious. It is unwise to insult their religious preferences and tolerance should be practiced by you as it will not be practiced by them. _Please refrain from insulting this god's angel, as well._

11. The following activities, while not explicitly banned, are not recommended:

A) Placing icy hot on another member's deodorant or in his jock strap.

B) Saran wrapping toilet seats and/or urinals.

C) Coating the floor of a member's sleeping quarters with tar while the member is asleep.

D) Sushi jokes.

E) Knock-knock jokes using Sasori's head as the door.

F) Switching the hot and cold waterpipe hookups on the showers.

G) Serving poison to other members.

H) Placing super glue on another member's weapons, cloak, gloves, hat, shoes, toes while sleeping, or jock strap.

I) Placing random objects in front of Itachi's door. Trust me, he gets very angry when he falls on his face.

J) Using genjutsu to encourage another member to sleep while your partner shaves a stripe down his head.

K) Dousing Konan's paper with water and/or honey.

L) Burying Pain's spare bodies.

M) Gopher trapping Pain's spare bodies.

N) Using potted meat for cake filling while covering the cake with chocolate icing.

O) Hiding snakes inside weapons shipping boxes and pretending you aren't strong enough to open them.

P) Placing axle grease on another member's weapons or inside his or her shoes, hat, and/or gloves. **Placing it inside another member's mask is also highly inadvisable.**

12. While away from the hideout, you are a representative of Akatsuki and must act accordingly. This means under no circumstances should you undertake any of the following activities:

A) Rescuing kittens and/or puppies.

B) Helping old ladies cross the street.

C) Helping old ladies with their groceries.

D) Donating money to charitable causes. **Other than our own, of course.**

E) Comforting small children.

F) Singing with the local choir.

Note: Hitting on women while away from the hideout is still an acceptable activity provided you understand love 'em and leave 'em. If you don't understand this, see Hidan, our resident expert


	6. How To Capture A BijuuJinchurriki

**How to Capture a Bijuu/Jinchuriki**

**Retitled by Madara Uchiha: How to **_**NOT**_ **Capture a Bijuu/Jinchuriki**

By Itachi Uchiha

_Edited by _Pain

_**Reedited by Madara Uchiha**_

The main mission for all Akatsuki members is capturing your assigned bijuu. For reference purposes, bijuu are essentially large masses of chakra that take on a unique shape and form. There is some debate regarding their decision making abilities and level of sentience. Evidence suggests this varies depending on the bijuu. Like people, some bijuu are simply smarter than others.

Step 1: Determine if your bijuu is trapped inside a jinchuriki.

This is fairly simple. Study the history of your bijuu. Most bijuu were given away by the first hokage with a lot of fanfare. Simply search old newspaper archives for this information. From there, document the bijuu's history. Most villages record the creation of jinchuriki and bijuu attacks. If the bijuu attacked another village and did not return to the village you are researching, begin researching the other village as it is likely the bijuu was captured by them. _This is a complete waste of time. Akatsuki already has this preliminary data._

Akatsuki has already completed the preliminary research and has most of this information in its libraries. _**The Akatsuki Library located in Rain now has the most up-to-date information on this topic. You are expected to read it and understand it. Direct all questions regarding the information to Madara Uchiha and Zetsu.**_

Step 2a: Locate the bijuu.

Determine the nature of your bijuu and locate its natural habitat. For example, Shukaku is a sand demon. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that he prefers the desert. Kyuubi is a fox. Foxes live in forests… You get the picture. _Although the information within this section is true, please remember that there is more than one desert, forest, ocean, etc. Your search should include all possible habitats and not just a specific set of coordinates. __**This information is easily purchased, but use our money wisely. Purchasing information that any seven-year-old can figure out is highly discouraged.**_

Step 2b: Locate the Jinchuriki.

Jinchuriki are more difficult to locate than their bijuu counterparts. The simplest way is to be present during their creation. Baring that, observing who the village ostracizes is a fairly accurate way of locating your Jinchuriki.

By nature, all Jinchuriki are quiet, unassuming loners. They do not seek out human companionship. They dress in somber colors and try to blend in with the background, preferring to not stand out. _**Please disregard. Obviously, Itachi was too blind to notice **__**that his Jinchuriki is a loud, annoying blond kid whose clothing of choice is bright orange. Not that anyone in Akatsuki is complaining about his easily spotted outfit or brash manner.**_

Note: Although there is a standard procedure for capturing your Jinchuriki, there is not one for capturing a bijuu.

Step 3: Capturing your Jinchuriki.

1. Calmly waltz into your Jinchurki's village. _Akatsuki do not waltz. We stalk. _

2. Pick a fight (optional). _**Pick a fight with your Jinchuriki.**_

3. Inform the strongest ninja in the village that you are there to capture (insert Jinchuriki's name here). _And you would do this why? __**This is not standard procedure! Do not inform anyone why you are there.**_

4. Forget Jinchuriki's address, bright orange clothing, and blonde hair. _**Unfortunately, Akatsuki was lax about some things in the past. Do not forget any details regarding your jinchuriki. If you do, you will answer to me.**_

5. Knock out your Jinchuriki's sensei. _This may be necessary, but certainly is not a required step._

6. Alert the Sannin (or their equivalent) that said jinchuriki is your target, thereby forcing them to keep watch over your Jinchuriki. Important: the ninja you alert must be one that you and your partner cannot defeat without perishing in the attempt! _**What the heck! Completely disregard this utter nonsense. If I, Madara, find that anyone is so blatantly stupid as to follow this directive, I will personally roast you and give your guts to Kisame for fishing line! Er… Kisame, you do fish, right?**_

7. Temporarily separate your target from his protector. Genjutsu works well for this. _May be necessary. __**Jinchuriki do not normally have protectors.**_

8. Politely knock on the door, giving your Jinchuriki ample time to escape through other doors and windows. _**Do not do this. Politeness is vastly overrated. If you do follow this directive, see 6 for description of bodily harm and yes, I can catch you.**_

9. If he answers the door, curse the gods for assigning you the idiot Jinchuriki. Seriously, what type of ninja would open the door without checking who it is first? _**As funny as this is, if you are fortunate enough to have an idiot for a Jinchuriki, use it to your advantage.**_

10. Speak calmly with your Jinchuriki and instruct him to come with you. _This may work under certain circumstances and could be highly effective when combined with genjutsu._

11. When he refuses, do not use your strongest weapons. Simply continue the discussion with him until his protector arrives. **_DISREGARD! Pain, assign someone else to rewrite this section!!_**

12. When his protector arrives, run. Don't fight. _**Repeat after me. "Akatsuki are real men. Real men do not run like scarred pussy cats." **__Konan requests that I remind you that some Akatsuki members are women. __**Revise to "I am Akatsuki. Akatsuki do not run from fights." **__Kisame requested that I remind you that you have run away from several fights, but wishes to add that he totally supports this new fighting philosophy. __**He would say that.**_

13. Repeat the above as necessary.

Step 4: Once you have captured your Jinchuriki or your bijuu, as the case may be, knock him/her/it out, summon Zetsu to transport your target to Rain or lug your target to the local hideout. Hopefully, your target will remain unconscious.

Step 5: Extract and seal the bijuu. See Leader for a complete discussion on this topic.

Step 6: Repeat above as necessary.

_**Would someone explain to me why Itachi was assigned to write this section? He was obviously highly unqualified as not only did he repeatedly fail to capture his bijuu, but his loyalty to the organization was highly suspect. Assign someone who has actually captured their bijuu to rewrite this section immediately! Under no circumstances should anyone believe the information in step 2 or follow step 3! Sasuke, do not follow in your brother's footsteps on this one! Pain, I understand that your target's hair clashes with his outfit. If you forget what clashing hair looks like, buy a mirror! I will not accept failure to track down what has to be the loudest, most obnoxious, and most visible ninja in the history of shinobi. If you cannot find an orange clad ninja in the middle of a green leafy forest, get your eyes checked!**_

_**Madara**_


	7. Holiday and Leave Policies

Author's Note: The below holidays were pulled off of various religious calendars for humorous purposes only.

Disclaimer: This site is called **Fan Fiction dot net**. If you cannot figure out from that that the following is a work of fan fiction and that the characters and the setting do not belong to Khali, please contact your village head and inform him/her that your village is no longer missing its idiot.

* * *

**Holidays and Leave Policies**

By Hidan

Word Processor Setting: Language Filter ON

_Edited by Konan_

_**Recommended Revisions by Kakuzu**_

**Edited by Madara**

All below holidays are observed as paid holidays. Attending appropriate, non-heathen religious ceremonies is compulsory. _**All holidays are unpaid until further notice! WE WILL NOT PAY FOR YOUR INDULGENCES! **_**Disregard Kakuzu's comment. Holidays are paid, just not the list below.**

1. Imbolc - Feb. 2nd - Jashinist Day of Indulgence and Fertility.

Appropriate observance: Two dawn human male Rituals followed by appropriate readings and repeated intercourse with a virgin. Retain virgin until Walpurgis. If virgin is pregnant, keep her and do not use her for Walpurgis. Wait until child is born and use mother for Ritual during child's Dedication Ceremony. Otherwise, use her on Walpurgis. _What?! This is not in any way a proper observance of a holiday. To Pain_ _(and any other attached male in the Organization), observing any holiday in this fashion will result in you losing several key parts of your anatomy on ALL your bodies. _

2. Spring Equinox - Mar. 20th/21st - Jashinist New Year/The First Day of Spring

Appropriate observance: On the hour Rituals beginning at dawn until dusk.

3. Walpurgis Night) - Apr. 30th - Jashinist Day of Lust and Indulgence.

Appropriate observance: One dawn human male Ritual followed by orgy. Use all orgy members for midnight Ritual. _Hidan, I sincerely hope your intent here is not an Organization orgy. If it is, papercuts are the least of your worries._

4. Beltane - May 1st - Jashinist Day of Fertility and Growth.

Appropriate observance: One dawn human male Ritual followed by intercourse with a female. Spend remainder of day reflecting on how Jashin influences your life and what you can do to better serve Jashin (i.e. Rituals, having babies, and converting others to Jashinism). _No, just no._

5. Summer Solstice - Jun. 21st - Jashinist Day of Celebrating One's Sense of Humor

Appropriate observance: Begin day with Ritual. Spend remainder of day torturing appropriate candidate with promises of freedom and other humorous torture anecdotes. Remember the point is to entertain Jashin, not the candidate. Perform Ritual using candidate at midnight. _This holiday might actually be appropriate and in line with the Organization's goals…_

6. Lammas - Aug. 1st - Jashinist Day of Celebrating Being Predators Not Prey

Appropriate observance: Locate appropriate candidates for Rituals and stalk them throughout the day performing the Ritual twice per hour. _As previously noted, Akatsuki do stalk. However, this is not the correct context._

7. Autumnal Equinox - Sept. 22nd - Jashinist Day of Reflection

Appropriate observance: Perform both dawn and midnight Rituals. Spend the day reflecting on your service to Jashin and whether it warrants His continued protection. _As none of the other members have any affiliation with Jashin, this is so not happening._

8. Halloween - Oct. 31st - Jashinist Day of the Dead

Appropriate observance: Perform dawn, sunset, and midnight Rituals. Spend remainder of day tallying total rituals performed over lifetime. _Theoretically, we could all sit around and tally our kills, but this is expecting a bit much. None of us remember everyone we've killed in the past six weeks, much less the past year._

9. Winter Solstice - Dec. 21st - Jashinist Day Celebrating Being Self-Emancipated

Appropriate observance: Perform both dawn and midnight Rituals. Spend day in prayer to Jashin. Pray that your self-direction continues to follow His will. _Not happening._

10. Yule - Dec. 21 to Jan. 2 - Jashinist Celebration of the Death of the Earth

Appropriate observances: Perform dawn, sunset, and midnight rituals daily. Initiate all converts beginning with convert fasting on Dec. 21 and 22. Followed by small daily blood sacrifices leading up to the final Ritual on Jan. 2. _Definite no._

As Copied by Hidan from "The Book of Jashin." _Well, this certainly explains a lot, including why I'd never heard of any of the above holidays. _**Actual holidays are attached to the end of this document. None of the above are observed by Akatsuki. **_**Hidan, after much discussion (not really), you will not receive paid leave for any of the above. **_

Akatsuki follows a liberal leave policy and applying for and taking leave does not affect our pay. Leave may be taken for the following reasons: _Leave must be cleared with both Pain_ _and Madara and may not interfere with regular duties._

1) medical appointments, _Only use cleared doctors._

2) major surgery, _Only use cleared doctors and always have your partner or another member of the organization with you. __**See Kakuzu prior to the procedure for financial clearance. **_

3) screwing with your younger brother's head, **Itachi, this is marginally permissible provided you do not discuss certain family matters of which I know you are aware.**

4) gathering clay, _Deidara, you do not need to request leave to gather weapons. _**Zetsu requests that you return his shovels and hang them on their designated hooks in the shed. Note the labels matching the each shovel to its designated hooks.**

5) personal improvement, _After careful consideration, yes, Sasori, turning yourself into a puppet and updating your weapons is personal improvement._

6) Rituals gone wrong, _Please let it go wrong…fatally wrong. __**All of his rituals go fatally wrong for both parties. He is costing us a fortune in thread.**_

7) bounty hunting,

8) hammock napping, **Kisame, if you really desire to spend your life in a hammock, I'm sure we can arrange to bury you in one.**

9) raiding dango shops, and **Itachi, do this on your own time, not mine!**

10) recovering from Partner Abuse. _Hidan, although I am certain you spend a great deal of time recovering from this, it is not an acceptable reason for leave. _**Besides, Deidara is worse than Kakuzu ever hoped to be. As long as mental abuse is all in good fun, it is permissible.**

For all other needs, contact Leader.

_The following is the approved list of holidays:_

_New Year's Day - Jan. 1_

_Vernal Equinox - Around March 21_

_Akatsuki Founder's Day May 3_

_Respect-for-theAged Day - Third Monday of September_

_Autumnal Equinox - Around September 23_

_Feast Day - Nov. 23_

_Madara's Birthday - Dec. 24_

_The following holidays are also approved_

_Rain Independence Day - Feb. 11 _**Pain, I suppose this is permissible as your little liberation did provide us with a nice base of operations.**

_Greenery Day - May 4 _**Fine! Zetsu, Greenery Day is now on the calendar. Now, cease your inane comments about my Birthday, Respect-for-the-Aged Day, and all the ****other little comments about my age! Yes, I'm old. We all get it. Now, stop making jokes about it. And FYI, I am not older than dirt!**

_Marine Day - Third Monday of July _**Kisame, this was added just for you. Expect lots of sushi.**

**We do not celebrate Coming-of-Age Day or Children's Day. Have children. Raise them in Akatuski. Then, we'll discuss reinstatement.**


	8. Appropriate Self Expression

Disclaimer: This site is called Fan Fiction dot net. If you cannot figure out from that that the following is a work of fan fiction and that the characters and the setting do not belong to the manual author, please contact your village head and inform him/her that your village is no longer missing its idiot.

**Appropriate Self-Expression: A Short Essay on the Joys and Methods of Artistic Expression**

_The title is "Appropriate Self-Expression"._

By Deidara

_Edited by Sasori_

_**Edited by Pain**_

**Revised by Madara**

Artistic expression, or as some morons call it, self-expression, is vital to daily existence and must be constantly practiced. Within Akatsuki, there are many acceptable manners of artistic expression that are encouraged by the organization. With a little creativity, you can work your preferred method of artistic expression into your duties.

Art is fleeting. Therefore, your manner of artistic expression should also be fleeting. _Wrong! Art is eternal. _Thus, while tattoos, piercings, and other forms of body modification, including turning yourself into a puppet, are all interesting forms of self-mutilation, they are not elevated to true artistic expression until they are appropriately destroyed. _Turning yourself into a puppet is trying to achieve the ultimate form of art, not self-mutilation. __**Body modification is the ultimate form of self-expression! All members of Akatsuki are hereby required to have at least one stud. **_**Pain, we've already had this discussion. You are not to go near any member while having on your person any of the following objects: senbon, needles, canula, dermal punch, or any other tool designed to poke small holes and insert barbells. Kisame wishes me to remind you of the bite scar he left on your left hand when you attempted to give him a nose bridge. I'm certain I do not need to remind you of the minor burns you received from me when you suggested piercing my tongue. Keep the needles away from me! **Small explosives strategically placed on the mutilated body part are excellent for this. Embed fireworks for an extra touch. Assisting other Akatsuki members with their artistic expression is an integral duty. Should the opportunity arise to say blow up Sasori or separate Leader's nose from his face, take it! _What! _Only by doing this can you be true to the Akatsuki ideals. Keep in mind that although they may be rolling on the ground in pain, you helped them create true art. They will thank you later. _If you try this, make sure I'm dead. If not, I promise you will die a thousand deaths and beg for everyone of them. __**Agreed, Sasori.**_

Within Akatsuki, we have several unique items that make excellent candidates for true art. Take, for example, our sealing statue. Rising up from the ground at the command of our Leader, the sealing statue is carved malevolence. _**Glad you approve. **_Now, imagine how beautiful it would look showering down on the surrounding landscape, little flames licking out and a giant mushroom dissipating overhead. _The statue is art already. Leave it alone. _That would be true art. Unfortunately, I have yet to find the time to create this lovely masterpiece, but should the opportunity arise, don't hesitate to take it. _**Under no circumstances should you or anyone else blow up the sealing statue! **_**Do you have any idea what would happen to all the little beasties we've sealed if you blow up that statue?! We would be fighting all of them at once! As I've said before, Deidara, you idiot! Stay away from the statue. Pain, do not leave Deidara alone with the statue. **_**Well, who else can I leave to guard it? Konan isn't strong enough. You and I are busy running Rain and Mist. Zetsu's out on missions. You refuse to leave Itachi alone with the thing and Kisame and Sasori both refuse to babysit a chunk of wood. **_**We'll think of something. Maybe we were a bit hasty with the Orochimaru descision. He didn't mind statue sittting. **Other potential candidates include Hidan's _Grimoire_, Tobi's mask, Konan's origami collection, Sasori's puppet collection (particularly, his little chibi doll body), and Zetsu's orchid and bonsai collections. _Keep your slimy hands off my body, you cretin!! __**Konan has a sign over her collection saying "Touch at Your Own Risk". She means it. Touching her origami collection is not worth the bloodshed it will cause. **_**Leave my er… Tobi's mask alone! **Unfortunately, neither Itachi nor Kisame possess anything worthy of true art. All they ever buy are books and mountains of jutsu and politics textbooks can never become true art; however, they would make great fire starters… _Too true!_

Blowing up villages is not just a recreational activity. _**Blowing up villages is not a recreational activity! **_Done properly, this can become true art. Remember, practice makes perfect, so feel free to test your abilities on the neighboring villages. **Check with either myself or Pain prior to blowing up or attacking any** **village. We have few allies as it is, and this would be an idiotic way to loose one. **For proper boom-factor, villages should be bombed from a height not less than 3000 feet. I recommend my specialty for this, but as not everyone has my abilities, I suppose one of the lesser incendiary devices could work. The explosion should be accompanied by a giant ball of white light complete with mushroom cloud. If there isn't a mushroom cloud, you didn't do your job! Verifying your latest artistic achievement is easy.

1) The explosion should light up the area brighter than daylight.

2) The shock wave should topple buildings and trees within a thirty kilometer radius.

3) Everyone in the village should be dead.

4) The village should be a giant, glass crater. _Unless you intend to only bomb desert villages, environmental conditions are not always right for glass. If your intent is desert villages, remind me to give you my detailed map of Sand._

Dying is your final opportunity to go out with a bang. You are your own ultimate work of art and you must strive to elevate yourself as much as possible. Your ultimate art cannot be topped by anyone else and should encompass all the elements above while taking out your intended target. In this way, you honor your opponent by creating not one, but two perfect examples of true art.

**In retrospect, the above paragraph explains a lot. For future reference, you are not your own ultimate work of art. If you share the same views as the above lunatic, your purpose while in Akatsuki is to create more art and your demise would make it impossible to further fulfill your purpose. Pain, why didn't you send Deidara for counseling when you read this? Clearly, the boy needed psychiatric help!**

_**Madara, you were his partner and never saw any signs he was suicidal. If you didn't see it, how exactly was I supposed to? It's not like I saw him on a daily basis. If anyone is to blame for not noticing his suicidal tendencies, it's you.**_

**I didn't select him. You did. Therefore, you, as Leader, were responsible for the mental health of your subordinates, and you failed abysmally at that task. Need I remind you that according to Leaf's reports, Sasori permitted his grandmother to stab him, thus ending his life. When both team members commit suicide, it is a sign of poor leadership and as they were reporting to you at that time, the blame falls clearly on you.**

**In light of Deidara's death, this section needs to be updated. At this time, we have no Akatsuki personnel available for this assignment. Pain, please assign this section to either Juugo or Konan at your leisure. You may choose someone else, but kindly do not assign it to either Sasuke or Zetsu as neither revenge nor cannibalism are appropriate forms of self-expression**


	9. Fiscal Responsibilities

**Fiscal Responsibility**

By Kakuzu

_Edited and Maintained by Kisame_

_**Edited by Pain**_

**Revisions by Madara**

As a member of Akatsuki, you, and only you, are responsible for tracking personal expenditures, filling out reimbursement forms, and submitting those forms for approval. No form, no approval! Keep in mind, we do not spend our money lightly. Each member receives a monthly stipend for food, clothing, and shelter. When combined with your partner's stipend, the amount is more than sufficient to provide adequate lodging and food. There is no reimbursement for food, shelter, or clothing. Use your stipend. For all other expenses, please fill out the form at the end of this document. _More than sufficient? He calls barely being able to get a haystack for the night sufficient! He's insane! The miserly little pittance he doles out isn't enough to feed a small goldfish, much less two grown men! __**As painful as it to admit, you are right. **_**Stop complaining, Pain. At least your partner's female. All Akatsuki members will be completely reimbursed for out of pocket lodging, food, clothing, and weapons expenses incurred while on assigned missions. For all other expenses, you're on your own. **_Due to Kakuzu's demise, the monthly stipend is no longer in effect. Please use the generous mission accounts setup for each team. _**Karin, we will not reimburse you for the resort. Just for the record, I do not now, nor will I ever, desire your genes mixed with my bloodline, so don't expect reimbursement for any future seduction attempts. In fact, I'd highly recommend that you think prior to submitting any more spurious requests. **_You may want to refrain from calling him a senile old bat, as well. _**That would be advisable.**

All members are required to deposit their pay in one of Akatsuki's numerous investment accounts. _Allow me to translate. This means you never see your paycheck. Kakuzu takes your paycheck and 'invests' it. Now, there is little distinction between his personal accounts and the organization's accounts, so I highly doubt you will ever actually see your paycheck. __**He doesn't take mine or Konan's. **__News Flash, Leader. He takes everyone else's. It's like being an indentured servant. _**Kakuzu, I realize not everyone has lived as long as we have. Thus, they may lack the cash reserves necessary to support an adequate lifestyle. Give them their money, as in withdraw it from the bank, count it out, place it in their hands, and allow them to walk away. Before you ask, no, you may not simply create clones of the members and give the money to the clone who would then return it to you. Kisame, I hope this satisfies you. **_You forgot to mention the interest… _**Revise the above to include all monies and the interest accrued on them held for any member of the organization. Happy now, Kisame? **_Quite._

All members are responsible for identifying new financial opportunities. Common opportunities are bounties, potential missions, extortion opportunities, blackmail, protection offerings, information gathering/sales, theft, and investment opportunities. As some members are unclear what constitute the above, allow me to clarify.

Bounties are the most wonderful opportunity. You chase down your subject and deliver them for the required fee. This is an easy way to make money! Please note, if the bounty requires that the subject be alive and you deliver them dead, you will not be paid. I recommend the dead or alive scenario. If you can tolerate the stench, dead bodies are blessedly silent and trouble-free, as opposed live ones. The live ones will do anything to save their necks including offering you cash. If you have one of these, take the cash. Release them. Track them back down a few minutes later and deliver them to the client. Getting paid multiple times is never a bad thing! Keep in mind that as an organization filled with S-class criminals, you always have ample bounty opportunities at your fingertips. Itachi and Deidara both have a wonderful knack for ticking off entire villages in thirty seconds or less, and the bounties on their heads reflect this. Unfortunately, not all members have high bounties. Madara, Pain, Konan, and Zetsu do not have known bounties at this time, but I expect that to change in the near future. _**Under no circumstances will you or anyone else collect a bounty on a current member. If you are attempting to collect one on Orochimaru, I get him first! **__No member may collect a bounty on a jinchuriki! _**In response to Kisame's recent inquiry regarding Sasuke's bounty, yes, Kisame, if you can persuade Sasuke to peacefully accompany you to either Sound or Leaf, I see no reason why you shouldn't collect his bounty, provided the escape plan for both of you is fool proof. **_**Oddly enough, I'm okay with this idea. Just keep the annoying brats out of my way!**_

All potential missions must be approved by senior management before they are accepted. We will accept any mission, including menial D-rank tasks like dog walking, if the price is high enough. All potential missions must be listed out and reported to Leader on a weekly basis. _**I prefer a spreadsheet with the following columns: Date Requested, Requestor, Pay, Mission Description, Mission Ranking.**_ Finding potential missions is relatively easy. You should use your spies in various villages and steal the missions from the village.

Extortion opportunities are easy to identify. Walk into any business, identify yourself as Akatsuki, and offer to not destroy the premises if they will pay your fee. _You must actually be willing to follow through with your threat! __**Deidara, it is not ethical to accept the money and blow up the establishment. You must choose one or the other. The Organization has a reputation to maintain, and your recent actions damaged it! **_**Until further notice, all extortion opportunities must be cleared with a senior member. Senior members are Pain, Konan, Zetsu, Kisame, and Madara. We know who we have established relationships with and who we don't. Until you learn this, you may not engage in extortion.**

Blackmail is just as valid in adult life as it was during childhood, and the same principles apply. Take pictures or video or steal damaging documents. Then, offer to not reveal the documents to whomever your target is concealing the information from in exchange for money. Overtime, escalate the price, but keep in mind that your subject must be able to pay the price. Blackmail works best on kages, daimyos, heads of criminal organizations, and the second-in-commands of the previous.

Protection offerings are similar to extortion opportunities except that you are being paid money to prevent someone else from attacking. _**Itachi, Kakuzu would like me to remind you that dango coupons are not an acceptable form of currency. In the future, please demand cash, as opposed to a five year's supply of dango. **__Hey! At least we can eat dango. Ever tried getting money out of Kakuzu?! What was that… a 'no'… I didn't think you had! _**In light of Itachi's demise, the dango coupons are now in the community kitchen, top drawer next to the refrigerator. Members are encouraged to demand cash, but goods are acceptable.**

Information gathering/sales (aka spying) is an excellent way to acquire additional cash. All information is for sale, and we do expect you to sell that information to the highest bidder. **All information is not for sale. If you sell any information on Akatsuki, our members, activities, or personal hobbies, we will personally hunt you down and mount your head on a spike overlooking Rain's main gate. Pain, please keep a spike reserved for this purpose. **_**Kisame, after much discussion, Madara and I have decided it is permissible to sell pictures of Suigetsu in his SpongeBob underwear. **__Yes! There is a god!_

Theft is generally not a good way to acquire money, unless you are stealing money. If you must steal, please do not steal rare items. The rarer the item, the harder it is to sell. Items have no value to the organization unless they can be easily sold. Please do not steal the following: rare scrolls, rare jewels, and rare weapons. _No live animals either!_

Investment opportunities are my specialty. These include currency markets, bonds, stocks, corporate lending, small start-ups, and other market oriented investments. If you become aware of one of these, please bring it to my attention via letter. I will not discuss your pathetic attempts at investing in person. The letter should include the name of the company/individual, their contact information, and a brief business description. You are not qualified to determine whether or not an investment is suitable, and I neither need nor want your opinion. Do not offer it! _Someone was a bit full of himself. Presently, Zetsu and I are acting joint treasurers. Please bring all investment opportunities to our attention and provide as much analysis as possible on the investment. Thank you._

— Reimbursement Form —

The Reimbursement Form should be submitted for each item you purchased, not each receipt. If there are multiple items on a receipt, you must submit multiple forms. Staple the original receipt to the back of the Reimbursement Form. Photocopies may be used for subsequent forms.

Name

Date Form Submitted

Date of Purchase

Purchase Location

Item Description

Expenditure Justification _**Why was the purchase necessary?**_

Three Nearest Shops within a 100 Mile Radius Who Carry Said Item and Their Price for Said Item

For Administrative Use Only

Approved/Denied/Returned for Further Information

Failure to fill out this form in accordance with the instructions will result in a denied request. All decisions are final. If you request is denied, you may not resubmit the above paperwork!

_In the past, stapling your receipt to the front of the form was grounds for denial. Honestly, I do not care were the staple goes. Please put all items on the same form. The above was Kakuzu's attempt to deny every request. __**Too true! He actually told me that even though I have six active bodies, I only needed to clothe one! **__It's not like you couldn't afford to buy the clothing. He wasn't appropriating your paycheck. _**As entertaining as this is, this is not the appropriate forum. If you two wish to reminisce, do it on your time, not mine.**


	10. Sexual Conduct

**Sexual Conduct**

By Konan

_Edited by Itachi_

**Edited by Konan**

_**Revisions by Madara**_

Many within the organization feel that a sexual harassment policy is unnecessary. As the only female in the organization, I strenuously disagree with their position. In my experience, the members who most vocally dispute the need for this policy are the primary reason why we need one.

_**Due to recent events concerning Orochimaru's abrupt departure from the organization, several clarifications are in order. The worldwide legal age of consent is 16 for males and females. That age does**_ _**apply to Akatsuki members. As a representative of this organization, you are expected to conduct yourself properly. When in doubt, ask your prospective sexual partner how old they are. If a member or any other party is under age, they cannot consent to any form of sexual contact. **_**Remember boys! Trust, but verify. A wonder bra and some makeup can make a girl look older than she really is. Ask to see ID. Hint: If you picked her up at her parents home and they made you promise to have her home by 10, she's not legal.**

_**First offense: Minimum 30 days imprisonment (may be suspended).**_

_**Second offense: Minimum 20 lashes, 60 days imprisonment, 6 months as target practice.**_

_**Third offense: Minimum 40 lashes, Pedophile tattoo, 90 days imprisonment, 1 year as target for target practice.**_

_**Fourth offense: Appropriate medical surgery.**_

_**All cases involving members will be brought before our committee for judgment. Currently, the committee comprises myself, Madara Uchiha, Zetsu, Konan, and Itachi Uchiha. Our general assumption is that the first time you may have legitimate reasons for thinking a fifteen-year-old was sixteen, and we will listen to those reasons. After that point, you either prefer children or are just plain stupid. **_

Rules and Penalties (Penalties are indicated by **bold font**.):

1) A member's butt is their personal property. Keep your hands off. **All members are authorized to break whatever arm the hand is attached to.**

2) Do not grope another member without his or her explicit permission. **If the incident is minor, you may deliver a minor beating. Aside from that, deal with it however you prefer, but both members must be alive and capable of executing missions afterward. **

3) No pickup lines in the hideout. **The member who used the pickup line is required to wash all dishes and clean the kitchen after every meal for a period of not less than 1 week, but not more than 3 weeks at the discretion of the committee.**_The best part… between Hidan, Deidara, and Kisame I haven't had dish duty in three years. _

4) Do not under any circumstances imply that a member is less capable than another member solely on the basis of gender. A woman can do anything a man can do and look better doing it. **I can and will make you look like an idiot! Expect it.** _That's a nice theory, Konan. I can do many things you can't and will always look better. _**You don't count. You're a he-she! **_**Enough! If you two really want to have a who's prettier contest, enter a beauty pageant on your time, not mine! Better yet, ask the magic mirror. (On second thought, scratch the last. It's recently come to my attention that Itachi and **__**Konan are both spending inordinate amounts of time in the bathroom primping.)**_

5) Physical contact between members must be consensual. **Consult committee for appropriate punishment.** _Translation: Do not hug, high five, etc. any member without his or her explicit approval. Kisame, this includes noogies. Please refrain from pulling me underneath your arm and rubbing your knuckles in my hair. I am not your little brother, nor do I want to be. One brother in my life is enough. In the future, please refrain from all displays of brotherly affection. _**Itachi, this actually refers to physical contact of a sexual nature, not brotherly displays of affection. Your argument would only be valid of Kisame's gate swung the other way and it doesn't. **_**Itachi, Konan's assessment is correct; however, I see your point about hugging and high fives. Those should be kept to an absolute minimum. As for Kisame, he's only doing that to irritate you. Obviously, it's working.**_

6) All sexual contact between members and/or members and outside parties must be consensual. This means all parties must consent. **Consult committee for appropriate punishment and to arrange counseling/restitution. **

7) Sexual contact between members and/or members and outside parties is only permitted if both parties are of legal age and physical maturity for said contact. **Consult committee for appropriate punishment and to arrange counseling/restitution.**

_In the case of Orochimaru vs. Itachi Uchiha, the committee found as follows:_

"_As an underage minor, Itachi Uchiha was well within his rights to protect his person, and while the loss of an arm is regrettable, it was entirely appropriate given the circumstances."_

_**Recently, questions have arisen due to this and several other legal age matters. Please see the second paragraph for appropriate guidance. When in doubt, keep it in your pants.**_

8) The above rules also apply to contact between members and non-members.

_Sexual Harassment Watch List _

_Directions: Post in a prominent place in all hideouts._

_Offenders:_

_Orochimaru - 2 proven cases of sexual contact with a minor; 10 pending pedophilia charges in Fire; 10 pending rape charges in Fire; 1 pending rape charge in Rain _**After due consideration, Orochimaru is banned from the main Rain Akatsuki base until further notice.**

_Hidan - 10 proven cases of groping; 25 bad pickup lines_

_Deidara - 5 pickup lines_

_Kisame - 8 pickup lines; 1 butt slap (already taken care of by Konan)_

**Madara Uchiha - sexist comments and archaic attitude towards women's rights. **_**Girl, I am significantly older than you and occasionally, I live in the past. As I also happen to be significantly more powerful than you, live with it!**_

**Karin - Multiple counts of unwanted physical contact and groping **

Notice for Publication on All Advertising Materials:

In the event of a sexual assault and/or rape complaint or charges against a member, please contact either Konan at the main Rain Base where she also serves as Rain's Chief Administrator/Angel or Madara Uchiha. Appointments can be made with either of these individuals. In the event the victim is unable to travel, please send us a letter by courier and we will come to you. _**As a shinobi organization, we do not offer any form of compensation or hearing for unlawful death, murder, etc.**_

_**Recently, it has come to my attention that several members remain confused as to our official policy towards rape. Please refer to rules 6 and 7. If these are not explicit enough... Regardless of your individual status as an S-Class criminal, we are not now, nor will we ever be an organization of rapists. We are civilized beings and all members are expected to act in a civilized fashion. If you truly feel that such an act is necessary to acquire information, use genjutsu. It feels just as real to the victim without the possibility of poisoning and disease. **_

_**For those of you who simply prefer more violent activities, there are numerous houses of ill repute that will cater to your every desire. Seek your outlets there! **_

_**Most Recent Committee Ruling:**_

_**Hidan's Usage of Akatsuki Interrogation Facility for BDSM Activities **__(bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism, and masochism (i.e. really kinky stuff))_

_**Summary: Konan and Zetsu brought a prisoner to the Akatsuki Interrogation Facility and inadvertently walked in on Hidan and his latest friend. After an extended inquiry including the usage of tsukuyomi, the committee was satisfied that the contact between Hidan and his friend was consensual; however, the usage of Akatsuki Facilities for this questionable activity remains an issue.**_

_**Conclusion: Akatsuki Facilities are only to be used by members for legitimate organization business and getting laid does not constitute legitimate organization business. **_

_**Penalty: As there was no previous discussion regarding this matter, there will be no penalty imposed. In the future, the committee will determine appropriate penalties on a case-by-case basis.**_


	11. Professional Relationships

**Appropriate Professional Relations**

By Karin

**Edited by Madara**

_**Edited by Konan**_

_Sasuke's Comments_

When you have a working relationship with someone, you should always take things to the next level, particularly if he's cute. I mean Sasuke is just so dreamy. Not having his baby would be the ultimate crime. _Wrong, having it would be. __**We have a problem. **_Anyhow, there are many techniques you can you use to manage your relationship and escalate things appropriately.

My personal favorite is paying the hotel owner to lie and say that there are only two rooms available, and they both have single beds. In reality, the hotel is practically empty, but the guys don't know that. Then, you give out the room keys and make sure Sasuke has a key to the same room you do. The thing is he thinks the room has two single beds when it actually has a double. _This is the reason why we never send you to get our rooms. __**Please tell me she's not serious. **_Now, he's not the type of guy to sleep on the floor. _No, I'm not, but I don't have problems sleeping next to dead bodies either. _When I refuse to give him the bed, we share, and I mean we share everything. _In your dreams and my nightmares. _At our age, virginity is overrated. _I never said I was a virgin. I'm just not interested in you! _**Konan, have Kisame take Sasuke to the brothel we patronize and take care of this little issue. **_**Will do. **_We should just go ahead and get all the awkwardness out of the way. Anyhow, you start things off with a nice massage. If that doesn't work, I have this amazing chakra proof rope that will do the trick. _You have to catch me first! _**Strike this entire paragraph. The above does not constitute a professional relationship. **_**I'm not certain entrapment is appropriate.**_

Another option is to fake an accident. When he rescues you, reward him with a kiss. If that doesn't work, you could always pay someone to attack him and then swoop in and rescue him. _You won't find many people who will attack me, so good luck with that. __**If that arrogant boy keeps strutting around the base, acting like he owns it, she won't have to pay anyone. We'll take care of things for her. Hopefully, she'll get in the way and be accidentally killed. **_Either way, rescuing your colleague will certainly get you what you want. _Not in this lifetime._**In general, rescuing your colleagues is advisable. However, under no circumstances will you put out a bounty or a hit on another employee of this organization. **_**You only say that because you don't have to deal with those kids on a daily basis. If things don't change around here, there will be a three way battle between Pain, Kisame, and myself over who gets to collect their bounties. **_**Konan, I said don't do that and I meant it.**

If none of that works, Orochimaru-sama taught me how to create this drug. It's actually a poison that's fatal in large doses, but a small amount will effectively render your subject unconscious for several hours. It's tasteless and odorless, making it perfect for a mickey. Slip it in his drink and wait. **This drug may be useful for other purposes, but it should not be used on members. I will have Zetsu analyze its properties. **The only problem with this is that you have to do all the work, but just remember once you're pregnant he'll have to marry you. _This is rape! _Then, you'll be Mrs. Sasuke Uchiha. Oh, I can't wait. _I can. __**Your teammates are not interrogation subjects and should not be treated as such. As for the rape comment, Sasuke's right, and we will apply our sexual harassment penalties to females.**_

Another option is to give him all of your chakra, so that he has to carry you back to base. _That's Jugo's job. _Be careful with this one, because if you give him too much, you won't be able to do anything for several days. When you get to the base, act really tired and ask him to help you to your room. Once you get there, push him back on the bed and seductively remove your clothes. Nature should do the rest. _Only if puking is involved. __**Girls like her give women a bad name. **_**Let me make myself clear. The only time one of our employees should be naked with another employee is if they are of the same sex and in a public bath. **_**That's a little harsh. We've always tolerated consensual relationships among our adult members. **_**Correction, my previous statement only applies to minor members. If you choose to involve yourself in a relationship with another member, be advised that if it interferes with fulfilling your duties I will replace both of you. **

It really is a pity his brother died. I mean Uchihas are so cute! All of them. It must be genetics or something, but I would so do any of them. Even if they're old and wrinkled, imagine how cute their babies would be. **Konan, place this girl in therapy before she gets herself killed. **And the sharingan...don't get me started. Powerful and cute is so attractive. It would be really great if we could use Orochimaru-sama's jutsu on his brother and bring him back to life. I mean we could like sacrifice Suigetsu. No one would miss him, and I would have two super sexy, powerful Uchihas. _I'd do my brother's corpse before I'd do you._**It looks like we should explain the whole boy-girl thing to Sasuke. I'll have Kisame add that to the curriculum. **You can't beat that. _**This actually sounds like a good idea. Let's sacrifice the weak idiot and bring back someone who can actually fight. **_**No, he wasn't loyal to the Organization. **_**I don't care if his loyalties were questionable. The man's good in a pinch. Besides, I'd pay to see Karin try her tricks on him. Watching zombie Itachi splatter her brains out on the walls or turn her into a vegetable would be priceless entertainment.**_ **If her shenanigans continue, I'll arrange it. **

Anyhow, I have to stop now and turn this section in. Kisame-san said that if I was late with my assignments one more time, he would sharpen Samehada on my back, and I don't think he was kidding. _Note to self, beg Kisame to carry out his threat._ That would leave really nasty scars, and Sasuke wouldn't like me anymore. That would be really bad. So bye! _**Why should Kisame get all the fun? I could always use the little trollop for target practice. Imagine a wall of paper slowly cutting her to shreds while her terrified screams fill the room... Heaven. **_**Konan, until now, I didn't consider you one of our more homicidal members. I stand corrected.**

_**The above is entirely inappropriate and does not constitute appropriate professional conduct. Until further notice, appropriate professional conduct will be conduct that is agreed upon by all members of the partnership or team, provided it does not interfere with your duties. If you have any questions or disputes, file a complaint with my office.**_


	12. Disiplinary Procedures

**Disciplinary Procedures**

By Sasori

**Edited by Pain**

_**Edited by Madara**_

_Assigned to Uchiha Sasuke for maintenance by Hoshigaki Kisame on 2008-11-11._

When you join Akatsuki, you join for life. No one retires from our organization, nor do we layoff our employees. If we fire you, it is in the literal sense. As in, we set fire to your corpse. Below is a list of offenses sorted by punishment. For punishments regarding sexual offenses, please see our policy on sexual harassment.

Note: Any full member of Akatsuki can carry out the below sentencing and punishments. _**Correction: Senior members of Akatsuki may carry out the below. Junior members may not, nor may they question the judgment of senior members. **__But Kisame is just being vindictive. It's not my fault I'm not Itachi! __**Sasuke, Kisame's word is law. I suggest you get used to it. As for the Itachi issue, my life would be much easier if you had your brother's talent. You would do well to not remind me of that.**_

* * *

Offenses Warranting Permanent Disposal of a Member:

1) Selling Organization Intelligence without Madara's prior approval. Do not ask Pain; ask Madara! _What constitutes Organization Intelligence? Is he talking about hideout locations, number of bijuu captured, bijuu locations, identity of members... _**Anything you know, including information unique to your kekkei genkai is organization intelligence. **_**Now, I understand why Kisame is complaining about teaching you. If you must ask this question, keep your mouth shut at all times or surrender your vocal cords.**_

2) Removal of the Akatsuki cloak.

3) Rescuing kittens, helping old ladies with their groceries, or any other similar 'nice' activities that are not in keeping with the Organization's image. _**On occasion, nice activities improve the Organization's image. Rescuing kittens, helping old ladies, and tutoring are all acceptable so long as they are conducted within territory controlled by Akatsuki. The purpose of these activities is to improve our internal image, while projecting terror externally. **_**The local temples have requested that our members refrain from participating in the choir. Additionally, Hidan is banned from all temples, churches, and other religious organizations within Rain, as well as any other Akatsuki Administrative Region. **_**This ban also applies to Mist. **__Unfortunately, the IPTB (Idiotic Powers That Be for you morons out there) believe lack of proper family influences and living with Orochimaru stunted our growth. Thus, all members of Team Hawk must participate in approved community activities. We may choose from math tutoring, working at the local food shelter, and adopting a grandparent. __**I am not available for the last. **_**After much consideration, Jugo may select an activity from the above. Karin is assigned to math tutoring. Suigetsu and Sasuke will both work at the local food shelter to learn humility. Hopefully, this will make them more trainable. In the future, we will not recruit anyone from either the Uchiha Clan or the Seven Swordsmen who has not fully mastered their abilities and achieved the highest rank and awards available, including S-class status, prior to joining. **

4) Desertion. **Orochimaru is the only acknowledged desertion case. If you see him, bring him in alive if possible. We want his screams to resonate throughout the five nations and will serve him up as an example of why you should never cross the Akatsuki.**

In some cases, a member is such a rare specimen that they may disappear without meeting the above requirements. Rest assured, although they are now under my control, they are still a viable part of our organization and our ongoing efforts. _**As long as they are still usable, I don't really care what you do. **_If at anytime in the future Pain, Itachi, Kisame, or Deidara commits any of the above offenses, I will add them to my collection. **Try it and die. **While Konan is a highly skilled kunochi, her skills are not unique enough for inclusion in my collection. As for Hidan, one jashinist priest is easily replaced with another. **AMEN! **He lacks intelligence, adequate skills, and chakra reserves. Thus, he is undesirable. As Madara-sama created the Organization, I do not believe we can charge him with any offense on this list. _**Thank you. **_

* * *

Fifty Lashes:

1) Killing your partner. **Exception made for Kakuzu. We can't afford to keep replacing the whip.**

2) Bringing a non-member into headquarters. _**Exception made for Hidan. For some bizarre reason, this punishment fits perfectly with his idea of foreplay. **_

* * *

Twenty-five Lashes:

1) Being followed to the Akatsuki hideout. _According to the records, Deidara was not punished when Konoha followed him and Sasori to the hideout during the one-tails extraction. Why? _**We thought loosing both arms was sufficient punishment. **_**Besides, it wasn't the main hideout.**_

2) Repeated failure (i.e. three or more warnings and/or punishments) to wash clothing, person, or dishes. **I shouldn't need to repeat this, but I must. Blood is not an acceptable cleansing solution. Hidan, you must use soap and water! **_**We do not care that water is a component of blood. You must use pure water. If you are unsure what this means, ask Kisame. I'm certain he will have no problem providing you with a bath. If you drown during it, it's not our problem.**_

_**3) Stealing my mask.**_

**4) Insulting my angel.**

* * *

One Week as Target Practice: _What's target practice? __**Target practice is when you spend the entire week as a moving practice dummy.**_

1) First failure to capture your bijuu. **In light of our recent experience with Itachi, he will no longer be used for target practice. Having all of our members except myself and Madara out of commission is simply not acceptable. Now, I must return to the hospital. I should be there when Konan wakes up.**

2) Leaving your dirty dishes in the sink and expecting someone else to cleanup after you.

3) Clogging the community bathroom shower with clay.

4) Asking stupid questions. For example, why should I sharpen my kunai. _**If your partner (for junior members, a teammate), asks anything this stupid. Feel free to kill them. There will be no punishment.**_

5) Washing your cloak in bleach and wearing the spotted cloak in public. **We have paid staff to do laundry and cooking. If you don't use them, that's your problem.**

6) Leaving dirty dishes in the sink. _According to Kisame, this only applies when you are using the __community kitchen. __**The dirty dishes in the sink are never Zetsu's. He doesn't use dishes and prefers his food raw.**_

* * *

Two Weeks as Target Practice:

1) Second failure to capture your bijuu. **Does not apply to Itachi. See above.**

2) Washing your partner's robe in bleach.

3) Rusty weapons. _What the [explicative deleted]! __**Sasuke, watch your language. This is a professional publication and I will not warn you again.**_

One Month as Target Practice:

1) Repeated failure (three or more times) to capture your bijuu. **Does not apply to Itachi. See above.**

2) Forgetting your weapons.

* * *

Added by Uchiha Itachi 30-09-2005.

Tsukiyomi:

1) Switching the safety pins I use to label my clothing. (For example, matching a brown sock with a black sock or removing the crossed safety pins in the collar of my black shirt and replacing them with a single horizontal safety pin, indicating the black shirt is blue.) _Kamis! I didn't know he was that blind. __**Now you know why I wanted you to take his eyes. Without them, that will be you in a few years.**_

2) Leaving chairs or other objects in front of my door and waiting for me to trip over them.

3) Placing any form of dye in my soap or shampoo. _Sweet! Does anyone have pictures? _**Ask Kisame. He did it.**

4) Stealing Kisame's deodorant. _Still valid! __**If that's the case, you should actually master tsukiyomi. Since you aren't interested in my help, good luck with that.**_

* * *

Added by Deidara 14-05-2007

Explosive Belt:

1) Asking annoying questions.

2) Following me around and saying sempai.... _**I was good, wasn't I?**_

3) Shaving my head. (Kisame and Itachi will so pay for that!) _Again, do we have pictures? _**No, but your brother left behind a video.**

* * *

Added by Kisame 11-11-2008

Skinning:

1) Being late for class. Do not waste my time! _It's not my fault. The alarm didn't go off. I swear. __**Son, getting there on time is your responsibility. If you're late again, I'll add roasting to the list.**_

2) Failing to study before class. I do not assign those readings for my health. _For once, I totally agree with Karin. Those things are boring. Couldn't we read a manga or something... __**Sasuke, do the **__**readings. I will not suffer idiots in either this organization or my family. If need be, we can use Tsukiyomi for maximum retention. **__No, sir, that's unnecessary. I will read the material before class tomorrow. Promise._

3) Making googly eyes at other students during my class. _YES!_

4) Doing anything else that annoys me before, during, or after class. _Could we get a list? __**SASUKE! This is a simple concept. Read the material, be on time, sit in class, keep your mouth shut unless asked a question, pay attention, and wipe that "I'm better than you, so I'm not listening" expression off your face before I do it for you.**_


	13. Recruitment Guidelines

**Recruitment Guidelines**

By Madara

**Edited by Pain**

_**Comments by Konan**_

_Comments by Kisame_

Akatsuki is an elite organization. As such, we only accept the best. _And what was our excuse for Hidan?_ Our requirements are substantially higher than an ordinary village, and we do not accept unsolicited applications. Unsolicited applicants will be disposed of by Zetsu in accordance with our visitor disposal policy. **Do we even have a visitor disposal policy? **_**Of course we do. Interfere and die... surely, you've heard of that. **_If you are unsure what that policy entails, please ask a member of our organization. _Make sure you ask Hidan. I could use a good laugh. __**Kisame, that's not funny. It's not his fault he has brain damage. The medic said that was from oxygen deprivation during rituals. **_**Don't defend him, Konan. He's the one who's stupid enough to do it again when he already knows about the damage it causes. **We will be happy to answer any questions you may have regarding that or any of our other policies. Prior to asking any questions, please inform the member about your last rites and burial preferences and any life insurance you may carry. **Please make sure you get the collection information, so we can collect the death benefit!**

* * *

Minimum Akatsuki Member Requirements

Each member must

1) Possess an unusual trait or skill set that is not currently possessed by a non-management member. **Madara, given your increasing level of involvement within the organization, the Sharingan is no longer a unique skill. Sasuke is out. **Pain, since the members of Team Hawk are not full members (take a look at their incomplete uniforms, if you don't believe me), this is a non-issue. _He has a point. If these are the minimum standards for members, shouldn't we at least try to recruit people with them? As long as his old team searches for him, Sasuke only meets the fifth requirement. The others might meet the third, and Karin's only use is as a walking battery. __**She may be a walking battery, but I'd rather have a walking power source in battle than a Sharingan user who hasn't completely mastered his eyes. **_ENOUGH! This is not a debate. I know they screwed up with the Eight Tails. I am taking care of it. Don't mention it again!

2) Possess S rank combat skills. _Once again, I must say the name Hidan! A single chunin took the guy out. Talk about falling standards. _**Kakuzu killed his last partner, and we needed a butt in the seat. Hidan was the only person I could find that he couldn't kill on short notice. **_**I notice neither of you mentioned Deidara, Sasori, and Kakuzu as inadequate... **__For all intents and purposes, Deidara and Sasori committed suicide (which should make us question the evaluation method used by our psychiatrist). As for Kakuzu, he was damaged by a jinchuriki and killed by the Copy Nin. I don't think that counts. Going up against as many as he did...that's going out with your boots on._

3) Previously severed all family and village ties. **In light of Sasori and Itachi's recent deaths, this provision is under reevaluation. **_**After consulting with the psychiatrist, it may be advisable to allow members to retain limited ties with their old village. This may prevent future deaths and increase organization information gathering activities.**_

4) Possess large chakra reserves. (These are a prerequisite for S rank shinobi.) **Large chakra reserves is too subjective. What is large? **_**Perhaps, fully developed chakra reserves would be a better **__**measure. **__Won't work. We need large quantities of chakra to extract the bijuu. Instead of trying to measure that, base it on total reserves in the organization. Recruit members who will keep us above the minimum amount. _Pain, we're going with Kisame's idea. Please tally the chakra amounts required and keep me advised.

5) Be male. _**WHAT! Since when is this a penis only club. I am just as qualified, if not more so, than any male you will ever discover. How dare you insinuate that I am less than you because I have a vagina! I can do anything you can do and look better doing it! **_**Unlike some members of our organization, I like waking up in the morning with all my parts. This requirement is stricken.**

_6) Psychosis. __**Although we've had some difficulty with this issue in the past, at present none of our members qualify as psychotic. **_Having thoroughly evaluated our members personally, I don't believe this is an issue. _(Proof of Madara's psychosis...)_

_7) Suicidal. _**All suicidal members of Akatsuki have already committed suicide, according to our company psychiatrist. **_Uh huh, that's the same psychiatrist who said they were sane in the first place. Forgive me if I don't believe him. _Kisame, some members are more committed to the organization's goals than you are. That does not constitute suicidal behavior. _My apologies, sir, but we're the most self interested bastards on the planet. As for goals... just give me a good fight._

_8) Megalomania. _**There are not and have never been any megalomaniacs in our organization. **Agreed. _When's the last time you two looked in the mirror? __**Kisame, I'd lay off the sarcasm if I were you. That is unless you have a death wish.**_

_9) General insanity. _This may actually be a real requirement. Insanity is not a bad thing and given proper controls, is quite beneficial to the any organization, including ours. Many of our greatest leaders qualify as clinically insane. Only a truly insane person would want to run a country. **Madara, strike the last. It makes us look bad. **Revise to absolute power is the greatest aphrodisiac known to man, and only a mad man would not desire it. _**Madara, I'm not sure you actually meant aphrodisiac, and if you did, I don't want to know why.**_

* * *

Preferred Characteristics

The following are desirable traits, but are not required for membership.

1) Kekkei Genkai. _Once again, I give you Hidan... _**Kisame, we get it. There was no excuse for allowing him into the organization. Lay off.**

2) Intelligence quotient of 130 or higher. _**What about Deidara? I know this is generally desirable, but neither he nor Hidan met this standard. **_These are only desirable traits, not requirements. As for Hidan, we all know he didn't meet this standard. While I am uncertain what his actual IQ was, Deidara had a creative passion and curiosity that certainly exceeded his IQ. _Madara, if you really felt that way, why didn't you say so when you gave his eulogy? _None of your business.

3) Knowledge of international relations and politics. **If members do not meet this requirement upon induction into the organization, the organization will educate them.**

4) Other practical skills, including, but not limited to, accounting, finance, medicine, weapons manufacture, and political manipulation.

_**Family members of senior management receive special consideration, including waiving the above requirements.**_


	14. Akatsuki Commandments

**Akatsuki Commandments**

By Madara

**Edited by Konan**

_**Edited by Zetsu**_

_Reedited by Madara_

1) Obey Madara first, Pain second, and Zetsu third. **Hey, what about me? **_The above applies only when Konan is speaking for Pain on his explicit authority. In that case, the order is Madara, Zetsu, Konan._

2) Keep religion out of the office. **Pain is the supreme god and all shall honor him. **_**Not in this lifetime.**_ _Anyone_**, other than Konan,** _found blatantly worshiping another member will be subject to twenty-five lashes and an extended stay in Ame's mental facility._

3) Punish those who reject our teachings and fight against us, their children, their grandchildren, and their great-grandchildren. Only then will we be satisfied.

4) Cherish and protect those who support our organization and their children. **Perhaps this should read defend those who support our organization and their children, provided said children have continued the previous generation's support at a level commiserate with their stated needs. **_Good job, Konan! I like it._

5) The Akatsuki name and logo may only be used on approved communiques, merchandise, and official publications. **For the record, no one may borrow the official stamp from my office. Deidara, you will return this or I will remove a key part of your anatomy and use it for a stamp. **_**Ouch! Konan, why not just ask Deidara to make you a new stamp...**_ _In light of recent events (i.e. Deidara's beautiful stamp), no member may accept any clay item from Deidara. Konan, I have approved the necessary appropriations to reconstruct your office and authorized the hiring of contractor who specializes in restoring documents damaged by smoke and fire. Next time you request art from Deidara, have him draw it out on a piece of paper and give it to a different sculptor or Sasori. Zetsu, please do not suggest requesting things from members whom you are not well acquainted with._

6) There is no official day of rest. If I, Madara, tell you to work, WORK! **Note to self, call the union.** _There will be no unions in Akatsuki. All union organizers and union researchers must be killed on sight. __**Sir, that may not be a good idea. According to our records, unions are some of our best clients.**_ _Fine, ask them what they want first. If they're here to organize Akatsuki, follow the above directive._

7) All honor and loyalty must be given to the organization and its members. If this conflicts with your personal beliefs regarding treatment of parents and other elders, we will remove them from your life.

8) You shall kill all whom the organization orders you to kill.

9) You shall not kill any jinchuriki prior to extracting his/her/its bijuu.

10) If you must commit adultery, under no circumstances should you give either your lover or their spouse directions to headquarters. **In the event the adultery is in the form of a threesome or moresome, the above still applies.**

11) You shall only steal items that are easily sold and/or untraceable cash. _**Rare scrolls should only be stolen when we either are hired to steal them or require them for the Akatsuki library.**_

12) When lying, remember KISS **(Hidan, this stands for "Keep It Simple, Stupid.")**. Do not tell a lie that is so complicated it confuses both you and senior management. **Itachi, in the future, please recall that not all members of Akatsuki have photographic memories and write down your elaborate ****cover story.**

13) If you desire something that belongs to another member (i.e. personal property, weapons, lovers, etc.), leave it alone. Finding new members is a difficult and arduous process and doing the above would require replacing one or both of you.

14) You will not eat anything that you cannot digest without medical intervention. _**Tobi, just because Deidara can survive eating exploding clay doesn't mean you should try it. **__Come now, Zetsu. I only did it to keep in character. _**Sir, I agree with Zetsu. Please drop the Tobi act. Your medical bills last year accounted for nearly one-eighth of our total operating budget. **_Noted._

15) You will answer all summons the first time you are called.

16) For tax purposes, all charitable donations by members should be made payable to the Red Dawn Charities. We will use them as we see fit.

17) If you must break the law, do it to seize power. In all other cases, observe it. _**Otherwise, you will stand out and you will be arrested. Our budget is limited and should not be spent on bail.**_

18) Do not question orders. _**Although curiosity is insubordination in its purest form, limited questioning should be permitted to encourage an educated discourse. **__Questioning orders is not allowed._

_**19) Question non-Akatsuki affiliated authority freely and frequently.**_

_20) When dealing with outside parties, remember that one death is a tragedy, a million is a statistic. This means that if you have a choice between killing little Yoshiro or his entire village, kill the entire village. Public Relations 101: It's very easy to tell a personal story and make people feel sorry for little Yoshiro. It's much harder to do this for an entire village._

Final Rule: If you doubt whether or not a given action will violate any of the above and you are not able to consult with one or more of the individuals listed in item 1, remember this rule of thumb. Death solves all problems—no man, no problem.


	15. Organizational Structure

Notice from Phantomflower: due to summer activities I partake in, I will only be able to upload once a month for a while. Don't worry though: I'll be uploading faster when late August - early September rolls around! Also, I have updated this somewhat due to events in the manga that happened after this was originally written by Khali. That also includes information from the Third Naruto Databook pertaining to Hidan's abilities.

**Akatsuki Organizational Structure**

by Zetsu

_**Comments by Madara**_

_Comments by Pain_

Akatsuki is organized in a similar manner to most criminal organizations, including the Yakuza, the Mafia, and major corporations. As we have no desire for additional input and feel that increased discourse and discussion within our organization would be detrimental to our overall goals, we do not use either republic or democratic styles of governance. We maintain a strict hierarchy within our organization and do not deviate from that hierarchy. _Although earlier portions of the manual indicate the hierarchy looks like Madara, Pain or Pain, Madara, the below is correct. _

**Chairman of the Board and President**

Currently held by Madara Uchiha, the Chairman of the Board is the supreme commander. _Zetsu, you make it sound like he's a god or something. He's not. That would be me. _The CEO is the only member of our management team who reports directly to the Chairman of the Board. _Thanks the gods for that small favor! _The Chairman of the Board also heads all official meetings of the Board of Directors. _**There are select times when the COO reports directly to me, namely when I seek out said COO. I can, and occasionally do, give orders to other members of the organization. If that makes you uncomfortable, get over it. I prefer a more hands-on management style. **__Due to the recent organization downsizing, I don't have a problem with you giving the orders, but I do have a problem with you being deliberately insulting. What was with that insinuation that I wasn't powerful enough to take the Kyuubi brat?! The kid lost to Sasuke. I'm more powerful than Sasuke. Doesn't look like difficult math to me._ Pain, Madara, please stop. This is not the appropriate forum for this discussion. For the record, Pain, whether or not you can actually take the Kyuubi kid remains to be seen.

**Chief Executive Officer (CEO)**

Currently held by Zetsu, the CEO is only member of the organization who reports directly to Madara-sama. Although Madara-sama may occasionally give orders directly to the CEO's subordinates, including the COO, he generally relies on the CEO to relay all orders to the appropriate recipient. _Madara-sama this. Madara-sama that. Why not just call him by his name, plain and simple? That's what you did with everyone else! __**Some of us have earned more respect than others. Deal with it. **_The CEO is responsible for all organization operations and maintaining the smooth operation of the organization with the assistance of other senior management (primarily the COO, CFO, and Chairman). He also implements all decisions made by the Board of Directors. _I still don't understand why this isn't me. __**You lack the personality for this position. **__How is that possible? Plant guy has two personalities and neither is what any sane person would call stable. __**Pain, it's like Kisame says. You think you're a god. That automatically omits you from inclusion in any conversation of sane, stable personalities. Zetsu may have more than one, but both sides are sane and stable. Besides, I've known him longer.**_

**Chief Operating Officer (COO)**

Currently held by Nagato (a.k.a. Pain) (a.k.a. Leader), the COO is responsible for all personnel, personnel relations, advertising, organizational image, and bijuu capture and extractions. The COO can be tasked to missions outside of his usual duties by either the CEO or the Chairman. _Would it be possible to hire a Chief Human Resources Officer? Konan would be perfect for the job._ _**Pain, I have spoken with Konan about your suggestion. If I did not posses a time-space ninjutsu, she would have cut me to ribbons. Based solely on that reaction, I'd say she's not interested. Furthermore, it has come to my attention that your method of dealing with personnel issues is to turn the offending party **__**into a spare body. While I realize you do need them, you may not use any of our members, associates, or valuable subordinates for a spare without my permission. (In the case of a subordinate, you must politely ask the member they report to first.)**_

**Chief Financial Officer (CFO)**

Currently held by Kakuzu, the CFO is responsible for all Akatsuki accounts and personnel who manage those accounts, including accountants and clerks. The CFO is also responsible for advising the COO and the CEO of current financial needs and recommending appropriate bounties to fill those needs. Additionally, the CFO oversees all Akatsuki investments and ensures that they perform well regardless of economic conditions. The CFO may or may not, at his discretion, assist members with managing their personal assets, including retirement accounts. However, the CFO is not responsible for any loses incurred by individual members. _The CFO is responsible for all loses incurred on monies withheld from members by the CFO. This includes the ridiculous investment in a tuna processing plant in Fire. Even I know that landlocked countries, don't normally have processing facilities for salt water fish! __**That incident was a classic example of one of Kakuzu's embezzlement/shell companies. Kisame and Zetsu, please provide a better cover story for that establishment.**_

This position is currently held jointly by Kisame and Zetsu pending recruitment of another member with Kakuzu's talents.

**Members/Partnerships**

Full members are required to fulfill their duties as those duties were explained to such member upon entering the organization. _If I amend your duties, you must fulfill the new duties as determined by me._

There is subtle hierarchy within each partnership. Although each member has equal status in the eyes of senior management, each partnership tends to have one member who is more dominant than the other. This leads to a subtle first and second lieutenant distinction that is generally lost on persons who are less familiar with our organization. _**Ex. Itachi and Kisame. Itachi acts as the senior member and gives orders to Kisame.**_ _In light of Itachi's death, the above is changed to Ex. Pain and Konan. __**Since you're the CEO, that's not a valid example. **__Until we get more members, it's the only example we have. __**Fine! I'll place the stupid ad, but Pain is conducting the interviews!**_

**The Board of Directors**

Unlike most organizations, our Board of Directors does not meet on a regular basis and can be overridden by either the Chairman or the CEO. All full members of Akatsuki are on the Board. Meetings of the Board of Directors typically occur during bijuu extraction ceremonies. _**Under no circumstances should meetings of the Board of Directors distract members from properly extracting the bijuu. If the bijuu is damaged during the extraction ceremony, you will pay!**_

**Subordinates**

Each member of the Akatsuki Organization may have as many or as few subordinates as they believe necessary to support their activities. Kakuzu's accountant is an appropriate example. In the event you find yourself in a situation in which a supposed subordinate is actually a senior member, it behooves you to play along and pretend like that person really is a subordinate. _**In response to Kakuzu's question, killing your subordinates is permissible regardless of the circumstances or the supposed value of the subordinate to the organization.**_

**Associates**

An associate is a group whose members may or may not be eligible for full membership. That group takes and executes orders from senior management outside of the normal organization hierarchy. For example, Team Hawk currently takes orders directly from Madara instead of Pain. Generally, associates are one step up from a subordinate and in select cases may be treated in a manner similar to full members. _In response to recent inquiries from Team Hawk regarding injuries sustained during their fight with the Eight Tails Jinchuriki, associates are not eligible for Akatsuki benefits including health care and medical leave. __**Sorry, Sasuke. This means you will either need to take a loan or find some other means of supporting yourself during your convalescence. Before you ask, the organization will not lend you the money nor will I release the funds from your brother's estate. As he died during a battle with you, I do not feel that would be appropriate.**_

**Organization Roster**

Note: Partner (if any) in parentheses. Status update in brackets.

Madara Uchiha – Founder, President, and Chairman, [First Lieutenant (Kisame)]

Zetsu – CEO, hunter-nin [Co-CFO with Kisame. Still CEO]

Pain – COO, Leader-sama, First Lieutenant (Konan) [deceased]

Konan – Member, Second Lieutenant (Pain) [defected]

Itachi Uchiha – Member, First Lieutenant (Kisame) _Team dynamic is a little debatable. Itachi was only 13 when he joined us on a full-time basis and was even younger when the incident with Orochimaru occurred. In battle, this distinction definitely exists, but not outside it. _[deceased]

Kisame – Member, Second Lieutenant (Itachi) [CFO, Second Lieutenant (Madara)]

Orochimaru – Member, First Lieutenant (Sasori) [defected, assumed dead]

Sasori – Member, Second Lieutenant (Orochimaru), _Change to First Lieutenant (Deidara, who fortunately is too young to be a pedophile). _[deceased]

Kakuzu – CFO, First Lieutenant (hapless victims, Hidan) [deceased]

Deidara – Member, Second Lieutenant (Sasori) [deceased]

Hidan – Member, Second Lieutenant (Kakuzu) [dismembered, presumed deceased] **_Hidan is 'presumed deceased' as, while he was immortal due to being a Jashinist, that immortality disappears if a Jashinist does not do religious sacrifices within a certain time frame. As Nara Shikamaru had completely destroyed most of his body and whatever remained was buried in the Nara Clan Forest in an inaccessible area, Hidan would be unable to make such sacrifices and would die after a certain time period had passed. _**

Tobi – Member, Second Lieutenant (Deidara); [unmasked] _**Partnership defunct due to Deidara's demise prior to assuming my actual identity.**_


	16. Economics 101

**Economics 101**

By Kakuzu

_Maintained by Kisame Hoshigaki_

**Observations by Madara Uchiha**

Recently, it has come to my attention that several members of Akatsuki (Deidara, Zetsu, and Konan) do not understand how our system works. Unfortunately, certain persons (Madara and Pain) believe it is my duty to inform you.

I'm going to keep this as simple as possible. If anyone wants further information, there are plenty of books in my office on the subject and I'll be happy to recommend one. Just leave a note on the door and I'll place the materials outside, thus limiting our interaction. _Kakuzu's books are now part of the Main Akatsuki Library. I have also expanded our collection to include more basic introductory books. A list is posted outside of my office. All members of Team Hawk are required to read them! _**No Sasuke, this isn't optional. Your lack of formal education is appalling and an embarrassment to the Uchiha name.**

Principle One - Supply and Demand: Imagine this as a giant see-saw. People (demand) are willing to buy an infinite quantity of cheap goods and firms (supply) are willing to supply an infinite quantity of really expensive goods. They find a middle ground (center of the see-saw) where the firms can afford to produce the good and the people can afford to buy some of it. No one's thrilled with this outcome, so everyone constantly tries to adjust things. If you increase the supply (imagine someone shifting the see-saw), you decrease the price. If you decrease the supply, you increase the price. Demand works the same way.

Let's say we have a large war and suddenly all the shinobi countries demand more kunai. (Buy stock in Kunai Factory.) They can get more kunai, but because everyone wants more, it will cost them more. (Sell stock in Kunai factory.) At the end of the war, there is a kunai surplus and kunai are extremely cheap. (By the way, this is a great time to stock up on weapons.) Many of the kunai factories will go out of business at this point as the see-saw evens out and everyone returns to the balance point (center of the see-saw).

Principle Two - Money Supply and Central Banks: For starters, Central Banks are the lenders of last resort. It is impossible to have a credit crisis without the Central Bank being involved. Why? Because at some point all the banks who couldn't get credit on that particular day had to go to the Central Bank and beg for short-term loans to make ends meet.

The Central Bank also controls the money supply. Remember that supply and demand stuff we were talking about earlier. Well, the same concept applies here. If they increase the amount of currency in the market place, the value of that currency will decrease. If you continue increasing the amount constantly, particularly in an attempt to shore up unstable markets, you may find yourself in a situation where your currency is worth more as fire starters and explosive tags than currency. **Watch for this! These countries make prime invasion targets as they are unable to pay their armies or hire shinobi.**

Principle Three - Inflation: Yes, I've noticed how everyone runs around headquarters fussing about the measly two and one half percent per year inflation rate that they are all firmly convinced is eating up a vast quantity of their pay. News flash, that little bit of inflation is a good thing. When it starts eating up ten percent or more of your income, worry. Up until that point, you're long-term economy is relatively stable and your interest rates generally exceed the inflation rate so any money you've saved continues growing at a rate higher than inflation. This type of inflation is typically related to economic growth. Prices increase, but the amount of goods you can afford stays about the same.

When should you really worry about inflation… when the inflation rate is fifty percent or more monthly. This is hyper-inflation. **Once again, these countries are ripe for takeover, but don't leave any assets invested there.**

Deflation should scare you. Deflation can lead to a viscous cycle where prices decreases. This causes lower production because the firms cannot afford to produce the same amount of goods at the new lower price. Now, since they aren't producing as much and prices are lower, they aren't making as money. This means they have to lay-off workers and cut salaries. Now, the workers can't afford to buy as much which reduces the demand for the product, which lowers production… Yes, the entire cycle starts over again. **These are actually quite beautiful and can completely destroy a country from the inside out with very little effort on our part. Starving people don't fight back and as long as we bring cart loads of food, they'll welcome us with open arms. **Prices decrease, but the amount of goods you can afford stays about the same. The only problem is that the goods aren't being produced.

Stagflation should also worry you. This is when you have inflation and either a recession (a decline in economic growth) or slow economic growth. In this situation, your prices continue to increase, but your money buys less. These are extremely difficult to fix. Basically everything that fixes inflation, makes the recession worse. The stuff that's supposed to fix recession makes the inflation worse. _If you're in this situation, becoming a missing-nin is advisable. At least then you can pick what currency you're paid in. _

Principle Four - Depressions: Depression is a less news-friendly word for recession. There isn't a formal definition. The only thing anyone can agree on about depressions is that they are severe recessions and the definition of severe varies widely. The only thing anyone agrees on is that the Gross Domestic Product (Basic formula: consumption + investments + government spending + exports - imports) decreases at least ten percent during a depression.

**Basic Recipe for Depression:**

**1) Have everyone stop spending their money and withdraw their money from the banks and stock markets.**

**2) Take money and stuff under the mattress (preferably where I can find it)**

**3) Cut the government's budget**

**4) Import more than you export**

_Keep in mind that any combination of the above steps can cause Depression. _

**Wah-lah! You have created a Depression.**

Akatsuki prefers investments in gold-standard backed currencies as a hedge against the above scenarios and is not above undertaking any action that allows us to benefit from your misfortune. We have no formal national ties and dumping large quantities of your currency on the market isn't treason. Yes, I know several members were extremely uncomfortable when I dumped several billion dollars worth of holdings on their markets. Yes, I know I drove up food prices in at least one instance and that my actions in Fire set off a bank run. As Akatsuki benefited tremendously from those undertakings, I do not care and neither should you. **That was my currency you dumped, you imbecile! At the very least, you owed me a warning. **No, my job is to make money for Akatsuki, not Mist. I did that. As for the imbecile you placed in charge of your central bank, I can easily remedy the problem. For a price.

* * *

If you'd like further information on the topics discussed above, please PM me.

* * *


	17. Media Relations

A/N: It's my birthday today! I'm sorry about taking so long to update. Before we go on to the fic, apparently Madara and several other favorite characters of mine from different series' decided to throw me a party.

Madara Uchiha: To believe you're seventeen now, eh Phantomflower?

Phantomflower: I know. Basically a young adult. I can't wait to read Bluestar's Prophecy!

Bluestar: Now Phantomflower, you know your father will give you the book about my life on Sunday. No need to be impatient.

Phantomflower: I wouldn't be like this if Vlad wasn't being so late with the cake and ice cream. He and Itachi went to Konoha's bakery of all places! And Itachi will also be raiding the local dango shop there if we know him! ***Sighs*** Danny, please let your arch-enemy and our favorite weasel know that we can't wait much longer for the food.

Danny Phantom (on phone): We have MANY impatient guests here in Kumogakure, such as Sasori, Bluestar, Hollyleaf, Pain, Sasuke, Yagura, Naruto, Hiei, Lionblaze, Leafpool, and Jayfeather. Plasmius, Itachi, both of you get back here NOW!

Itachi: ***munches on dango***

Vlad Plasmius: Itachi, Daniel's right. We've taken too long. We have the food and drinks, so we're telporting back to the party. Oh, and on with the Akatsuki Employee Handbook.

**Media Relations**

By Konan

_**Edited by Kisame Hoshigaki**_

**Edited by Madara Uchiha**

It has recently come to my attention that several members and/or associates of Akatsuki are being approached by various media sources for interviews. While Akatsuki has never had an official policy on media interactions, we feel that in light of our recent organizational changes we should make our unofficial policy official.

Until further notice, no member or associate of Akatsuki may grant an interview or photo opportunity without prior approval from Madara, Zetsu, and Pain. _**Yes, we **__**really do mean you must ask all three of them. If you're lucky, Madara and Pain may sign off on your request. Most likely, Zetsu will solve the problem for everyone and add you to his stash in the green refrigerator. **_Prior to approaching them about the opportunity, you must provide my office with paperwork detailing the media company, the name of the interviewer, and the proposed publication date.

Interviewers must sign a confidentiality statement and must agree to only ask questions from the official Akatsuki Questionnaire. _**The official questions and a sample interview are below.**_ If the interviewer deviates from our approved questions, eliminate them. _**As in, separate their head from their body and chop them into little pieces. Take their guts and drape them over the entrance to their workplace. Use their blood to write their name on the wall, so that everyone knows about their stupidity.**_ **As disgusting as Kisame's explanation is, it is correct. If someone breaks our rules, please recall that we are Akatsuki and we are rightfully feared. Keep our reputation intact.**

Photo opportunities must be approved and staged by a member of senior management. **All photos must be approved by me prior to publication. Pain is responsible for staging photos properly.** Photos may not include any demonstration of your abilities, jutsu, bijuu captures, Jinchurriki captures, bijuu extraction/sealings, other members of Akatsuki who are either not known or are not included in the request form, the bijuu statue, interior or exterior of Akatsuki's Rain Headquarters, and/or interior or exterior of any Akatsuki hideout. All photos must be taken in full Akatsuki uniform. For members, this means you are wearing your Akatsuki hat. For associates, this means your hood is up and your face is covered. _**In answer to several questions received from members of Team Hawk, this is Akatsuki, not a beauty contest. Get over yourselves and get to work.**_

* * *

_**After careful consideration, Konan and I designated Karin to write the following questionnaire as part of her community service requirement. Then, we assigned Sasuke, who was recently expelled from the adopt a grandparent program for attempting to strangle the unfortunate person assigned to him under the false assumption that the man was Danzo, to answer the questionnaire. **_**Although I understand Sasuke's initial reluctance to answer this questionnaire, I did compel him to answer the entire questionnaire. Sasuke, I don't know what you did to tick of Konan and Kisame, but I'd suggest you fix whatever it was.**

What are your goals?

_I don't have goals. I have a goal, as in one. My goal is to kill the elders._

Who do you want to fight most?

_Konoha's elders._

Why did you leave your country and become a traitor to your country/criminal?

_Training under a sannin was a much greater opportunity than training under the copy nin. To begin with, he offered me large snakes as a summon, instead of a pack of mangy mutts. Secondly, I did not betray my country. They betrayed me by holding me back and refusing to fully train me. Instead, they assigned me to a team with an idiot, a useless little girl, and team leader who showed no interest in any of us until we developed our own talents independent of his tutelage. Kakashi was only interested in me after he saw my Sharingan. Then, his interest was limited to teaching me to not use my full abilities and to limit myself. He obviously saw me as a threat. **Remainder deleted due to incoherent ranting. For the record Sasuke, no one has ever seen you as a threat. Not your precious village, your former overly obsessed friends, your brother, or anyone else.**_

Who is your best friend? Why?

_For those of you who believe Naruto and I are friends, we are not. I do not have any friends. I have not had friends since Itachi killed the clan. I realize that some people, namely Naruto, are protesting this statement. Let me set the record straight. Naruto, nearly three years ago, I put a chidori through your chest. Earlier this year, I held a sword to your throat and was quite willing to take your head off. I would have if Orochimaru hadn't ordered me to stop. Those are not the actions of friend. Understand? _**Sasuke, as cute as I find this, under no circumstances will you kill the Kyuubi Jinchurriki before we remove the Kyuubi.**

What attracted you to the Akatsuki organization? **(Hint: make us look good!)**

_Madara hates Konoha. I hate Konoha's elders. He offered to give me a shot at them in exchange for helping with the bijuu. Simple, eh?_

What is your favorite technique? Your most powerful?

_My favorite is Chidori. My most powerful...either Kirin or Amaterasu. The Amaterasu isn't perfect yet, so it's probably Kirin._

What is your sexual orientation?

_Straight, very straight. Crap, I forgot that Karin wrote this and I can't erase ink. Stupid pen. Gay, Karin. As long as you're the one asking, I'm so gay._

Would you change your sexual orientation to please your fans?

_Would it make Karin and Sakura leave me alone? Would the fan girls magically disappear? If so, then absolutely. Otherwise...**Sasuke, your brother tried this when he was your age. He ended up trading the fan girls for fan boys. It wasn't pretty.**_

Were you a victim of sexual abuse?

_No. I am a shinobi and an Uchiha, meaning I am not an easy target. Although that doesn't mean things weren't tried, it does mean that they didn't happen._

What would you do if you woke up to find Karin naked in your bed?

_Tear out my eyes and run screaming from the room. Afterwards, I would scrub my brains with lye soap._

What would you do if you woke up to find Suigetsu naked in your bed?

_He would die a long and agonizing death._

What would you do if you woke up to find Jugo naked in your bed?

_I would probably assume that his cursed blood acted up again and help him suppress whatever the problem was. Jugo's not the type to try anything, so this wouldn't really bother me._

What would you do if you woke up to find Kisame naked in your bed?

_Kill myself._

What would you do if you woke up to find Zetsu naked in your bed?

_Er...I don't think anyone actually wakes up after that. _

What would you do if you woke up to find Konan naked in your bed?

_Thank the gods that she wasn't Karin and run away as quickly as I could while enjoying the pleasant memory. If this happens and Konan I'm interested, I plan on being on another continent when Pain finds out._

What would you do if you woke up to find Pain naked in your bed?

_Wouldn't happen. There's no way we could all fit._

What would you do if you woke up to find Madara naked in your bed?

_No. Bad mental image and this would never happen. _**Take my name of the list. There's is no one in Akatsuki who interests me in that way. For starters, I'm not a cradle robber.**

What would you do if you woke up to find Naruto naked in your bed?

_Kick him out._ **Sasuke, if you should be so fortunate, you should restrain and detain said Jinchurriki until we can retrieve him for extraction.**

Isn't Uchihacest the hottest thing ever?

_No. I might think this was alright if all the pathetic fan girls didn't have me as the uke (i.e. bottom) in every one of their raunchy fantasies. _**For the record, you do not build clans by sleeping with other males. Only females get pregnant. If the Uchihas in question are male and female, this is a wonderful idea. Otherwise, keep it in your pants. Kisame, remove this question from the final questionnaire.**

Since I know that Sasuke's the one answering this, I have a question that is totally unrelated to the real questions I listed above. Sasuke, didn't your mother ever tell you that if you scowl all the time your face will be frozen that way? I mean your only sixteen and you already have wrinkles...

_I do not have wrinkles!!! Those lines between my eyes are where my nose sits between my eyes. Those are not age lines._

_**You know, I never noticed those before. I think the wee Uchiha is getting a few premature age marks...**_

* * *

**For the record, I do not own Naruto, Warriors, Yu Yu Hakusho, or Danny Phantom. If you believe that I own any of them, especially the latter three (characters from them appearing at the beginning in a cameo), inform your village head that your village is no longer missing its' idiot. **


	18. Akatsuki Interviews

_Dear Phantomflower:_

_I have been notified that you are now re-uploading this chapter of the Handbook. While you have been slow in putting it up, I understand that you have been busy due to Thanksgiving and shopping for Christmas. While neither is celebrated by the Akatsuki, I've heard about many others in this last part of the year trying to buy gifts and put together holiday meals and that, where you live, these are national holidays that are observed by most of the population and you could not avoid doing so. Therefore, you are excused. But put up at least one chapter a month from now on. _

_I am sure that you've heard of the recent, unfortunate, passing of Hoshigaki Kisame. Apparently, not even he could handle the Hachibi Jinchurriki. The Raikage had found them and, combined with the facts that Samehada preferred the Hachibi's chakra to Kisame's, Kisame losing his chakra, and the taijutsu move called Double Lariat, he didn't stand much of a chance. _

_As you do, I wish for more reviews as they show how much people support the Organization. _

_Sincerely,_

_Madara Uchiha_

_P.S. I also know that, due to computer problems, you will not be able to post the next intended chapter for an extended period. Therefore, for our reviewers, there will be a vote on what part of the Handbook will be posted next in its place. This will be on Phantomflower's profile. The choices are as follows:_

_Akatsuki Housing Policies -- An explanation on living arrangements when members are not on missions. Includes information on room structure, curfews, pet/garden policies, noise limits, and other house rules. Made before Pain's death and Konan's defection. Authored by me, with edits from other members, namely Pain, Konan, and Zetsu._

_Deceased Akatsuki Interviews -- Self-explanatory. Even the Akatsuki's 'dearly departed' have known that various media publications would want an interview from them after they're gone and created written interviews in acceptable format well in advance. In addition to the questions asked normally, each also have a last question about their circumstances of death answered by Zetsu. Written by members who were deceased prior to Pain's failed attempt to capture the Kyuubi._

_Akatsuki Medical Procedures -- A guide for members about treating medical ailments on the field. Includes explanation of the Heimlich maneuver, a list of medical herbs, and a list of items that should be carried in an Akatsuki first aid kit. Originally written by Kakuzu, assigned to Karin for maintenance, with edits from Zetsu as needed. _

* * *

**Akatsuki Interviews**

Please note that these have not been approved by senior management for distribution to media conglomerates.

* * *

**Interview with Akatsuki Member Kisame Hoshigaki**

What are your goals?

_Considering that I've been an S-class criminal for the past decade, I'd say staying alive and fighting as many people as possible._

Who do you want to fight most?

_Anyone. I'm not that picky._

Why did you leave your country and become a traitor to your country/criminal?

_Long story short, I assassinated Water's lord during a failed coup. I did my part, but in case it escaped your notice, Zabuza was supposed to kill the Mizukage. (A special note to people from other villages: notice how I call him Mizukage. In other's villages with more than one known kage, they call their kage by their number. For example, the little slug witch is called Godaime.) Since Madara is still around, I'm sure you can see how well that coup worked out for us swordsmen. _

Who is your best friend? Why?

_The closest thing I've ever had to a best friend was Itachi and that was more of a mutual agreement to tolerate each other._

What attracted you to the Akatsuki organization? **(Hint: make us look good!)**

_It's nice stable employment with a regular paycheck, and I love my job._

What is your favorite technique? Your most powerful?

_My favorite technique is any technique that uses Samehada. Suiton: Bakusui Shoha is probably my most powerful technique because it is the basis for most of my water jutsu._

What is your sexual orientation?

_Despite the pervasive fan fiction idea that Itachi and I were partners in more ways than one, we were not. When we traveled, we always stayed in separate hotel rooms. The only thing we occasionally shared was whores. In other words, I am very straight. Kinky, but straight!_

Would you change your sexual orientation to please your fans?

_Let's see... I'm straight, straight, and straight. As long as those are the options, sure. Otherwise, forget it._

Were you a victim of sexual abuse?

_Do I look like someone who would have problems with that? No._

What would you do if you woke up to find Karin naked in your bed?

_I would tie her to the bed and teach her a lesson about sneaking into other people's bedrooms. Since Sasuke won't do this, someone has to._

What would you do if you woke up to find Suigetsu naked in your bed?

_Kill him after verifying that he hadn't stolen Samehada._

What would you do if you woke up to find Jugo naked in your bed?

_I would beat him within an inch of his life. Unlike the others, he's not a bad kid and he's pretty powerful. Killing him now would be a waste._

What would you do if you woke up to find Sasuke naked in your bed?

_I would probably tie him up and charge his fan girls admission._

What would you do if you woke up to find Zetsu naked in your bed?

_Zetsu and I respect each other too much for this to ever happen. Thank the gods!_

What would you do if you woke up to find Konan naked in your bed?

_Ask Pain if it was alright if we played for a while._

What would you do if you woke up to find Pain naked in your bed?

_As this has happened before, I would probably do the same thing I did then. Roll over and grab Konan so she can sleep between us. Konan, for future reference, the lube is in the bedside table drawer._

What would you do if you woke up to find Madara naked in your bed?

_Pray to the gods that he wasn't interested in doing anything._

What would you do if you woke up to find Naruto naked in your bed?

_That sounds interesting. Have I mentioned lately that Jinchuriki make excellent gifts? (I probably shouldn't mention the nice bonus I'll get for his capture.)_

* * *

**Interview with Akatsuki Member Zetsu**

What are your goals?

_Serving Madara-sama to the best of my abilities._

Who do you want to fight most?

_Myself._

Why did you leave your country and become a traitor to your country/criminal?

_I don't recall my country of origin, so I'm not exactly certain that ever happened. Akatsuki is our country._

Who is your best friend? Why?

_My other half._

What attracted you to the Akatsuki organization? **(Hint: make us look good!)**

_It's a living and there is always a steady food supply._

What is your favorite technique? Your most powerful?

_Kagero (Mayfly) is our favorite. As for our most powerful, that is for us to know and you to find out._

What is your sexual orientation?

_Straight._

Would you change your sexual orientation to please your fans?

_No. Wait a minute...we have fans?_

Were you a victim of sexual abuse?

_N/A_

What would you do if you woke up to find Karin naked in your bed?

_I'd tie her up and play with my food._

What would you do if you woke up to find Suigetsu naked in your bed?

_I would kill him and dispose of the evidence._

What would you do if you woke up to find Jugo naked in your bed?

_Sadly, we both like Jugo. In the unlikely event that this happens, we would probably assume something was wrong with his personalities, which disagree with each other even more than we do. We would try to help him with the problem by telling him how we deal with body sharing. If that didn't work, we would fetch Madara-sama._

What would you do if you woke up to find Sasuke naked in your bed?

_Although this response might make Madara-sama angry. I would probably kill him. I hear that Uchiha blood is quite the delicacy and can't wait to try it._

What would you do if you woke up to find Kisame naked in your bed?

_This is a bad mental image. Kisame and I respect each other way too much for that. Kisame, for the record, if you try that, I have a new recipe for sharp fin soup and I'm certain you know what I will substitute for the fins._

What would you do if you woke up to find Konan naked in your bed?

_As we both explained to Konan and Pain last time they invited us to join them in the bedroom, we do not look at either them in a sexual way and prefer to continue viewing them as colleagues. We can easily find women and are not interested in men. If this happened, we would most likely leave the organization._

What would you do if you woke up to find Pain naked in your bed?

_See above._

What would you do if you woke up to find Madara naked in your bed?

_I would assume that he was gravely injured and call a medic. Sir, if you do something like that, you had better be injured._

What would you do if you woke up to find Naruto naked in your bed?

_Restrain him and summon the other members for the extraction._

* * *

**Interview with Akatsuki Member Pain**

What are your goals?

_I only have one goal and that is bringing peace to a shinobi-less world._

Who do you want to fight most?

_Madara-sama._

Why did you leave your country and become a traitor to your country/criminal?

_This is irrelevant as I am currently the ruler of my country._

Who is your best friend? Why?

_Yahiko was my best friend._

What attracted you to the Akatsuki organization? **(Hint: make us look good!)**

_It was and is a wonderful opportunity to spread my ideology._

What is your favorite technique? Your most powerful?

_God mode. God mode._

What is your sexual orientation?

_Straight._

Would you change your sexual orientation to please your fans?

_No._

Were you a victim of sexual abuse?

_Only if having to tolerate Jiraiya's perverted writing attempts qualifies. Other than that, no._

What would you do if you woke up to find Karin naked in your bed?

_That wouldn't happen. The advantage of having more than one body is that the others can keep watch while you sleep._

What would you do if you woke up to find Suigetsu naked in your bed?

_See above._

What would you do if you woke up to find Jugo naked in your bed?

_See above._

What would you do if you woke up to find Sasuke naked in your bed?

_Explain that I'm not gay._

What would you do if you woke up to find Zetsu naked in your bed?

_Neither side of Zetsu is that stupid._

What would you do if you woke up to find Konan naked in your bed?

_Kiss her awake. _

What would you do if you woke up to find Kisame naked in your bed?

_The last time that happened, he, Konan, and I had a wonderful time, so I would assume it was a repeat, and Konan, next time I get the back._

What would you do if you woke up to find Madara naked in your bed?

_I would insist he get a CAT scan._

What would you do if you woke up to find Naruto naked in your bed?

_I would tie him up and drag him to the bijuu statue for extraction. (I wish I was this lucky, but I'm not.)_

* * *

**Interview with Akatsuki Member Konan**

What are your goals?

_Supporting Pain in the furtherance of world peace._

Who do you want to fight most?

_Well... I would say Hidan, but he's dead. Perhaps Karin would do as a substitute._

Why did you leave your country and become a traitor to your country/criminal?

_Pain and I did not betray our country. We were born and raised in Rain. We've lived here our entire lives and now, the entire country reports to us. _

Who is your best friend? Why?

_Prior to his death, my best friend was Yahiko. Now, I would say that it's Pain._

What attracted you to the Akatsuki organization? **(Hint: make us look good!)**

_It was an opportunity for Pain and I to fulfill our goals after Yahiko's death._

What is your favorite technique? Your most powerful?

_Shikigami no Mai is my favorite technique. It is also the basis for my most powerful techniques._

What is your sexual orientation?

_I am straight and I am involved in a long-term relationship. Any sexual contact that does not include Pain's participation isn't something I'm interested in._

Would you change your sexual orientation to please your fans?

_No._

Were you a victim of sexual abuse?

_If Jiraiya's constant sexual comments and innuendos count, then yes. _

What would you do if you woke up to find Karin naked in your bed?

_Skin her alive with my paper. If I can get most of it off in one piece, I might use it for a lamp shade._

What would you do if you woke up to find Suigetsu naked in your bed?

_I would have Pain hold him down while I pulled out his teeth. I always wanted a shark tooth necklace._

What would you do if you woke up to find Jugo naked in your bed?

_Since Jugo is normally a sweet young man, I would assume that he had an episode the night before and send him to Madara for help since Sasuke was obviously to caught up in himself to assist him._

What would you do if you woke up to find Sasuke naked in your bed?

_It doesn't matter what I would do. What matters is what my partner would do and let's just say that the only Uchiha left with the necessary part to revive the clan would be Madara._

What would you do if you woke up to find Zetsu naked in your bed?

_That wouldn't happen. Pain and I offered to include him in our activities a while back and he's not interested in either of us in that way._

What would you do if you woke up to find Kisame naked in your bed?

_I would smile and wake up Pain. I know I couldn't walk well for a few days after the last time we tried this, but it was amazing. I am more than willing to do it again._

What would you do if you woke up to find Pain naked in your bed?

_I would wake him up and ask if any of his other bodies could join us._

What would you do if you woke up to find Madara naked in your bed?

_Ewww...My apologies Madara-sama, but I not into elderly men._

What would you do if you woke up to find Naruto naked in your bed?

_I would think that my birthday had come early and capture the Kyuubi._

* * *

**Interview with Akatsuki Associate Jugo of Tenpin**

What are your goals?

_Owning an aviary._

Who do you want to fight most?

_No one and everyone._

Why did you leave your country and become a traitor to your country/criminal?

_I was a danger to myself and everyone around me. I left to find a cure, but that didn't work out very well._

Who is your best friend? Why?

_Sasuke is my best friend because he can suppress my other side._

What attracted you to the Akatsuki organization? **(Hint: make us look good!)**

_Sasuke needed Madara and I will do whatever I need to to support Sasuke._

What is your favorite technique? Your most powerful?

_My favorite technique is using my chakra to entice the birds to eat seeds out of my hand. My transformation is my most powerful technique._

What is your sexual orientation?

_Straight._

Would you change your sexual orientation to please your fans?

_No. That would be too fickle. _

Were you a victim of sexual abuse?

_I lived with Orochimaru for most of my life. What do you think?_

What would you do if you woke up to find Karin naked in your bed?

_I would take her to Suigetsu's room and insist they have make-up sex._

What would you do if you woke up to find Suigetsu naked in your bed?

_Since I'm not certain who he was trying to get with (I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be me), I would take him to Karin or Sasuke's room._

What would you do if you woke up to find Kisame naked in your bed?

_As Kisame is much older than I am and I'm fairly convinced that he is straight, I hope and pray that this never happens._

What would you do if you woke up to find Sasuke naked in your bed?

_I would assume that he had barely escaped from Karin and/or Suigetsu and leave him alone. The poor man could use some rest._

What would you do if you woke up to find Zetsu naked in your bed?

_I deeply respect Zetsu and firmly believe that he would never do anything of this nature unless he was mortally wounded and required help._

What would you do if you woke up to find Konan naked in your bed?

_If Leader is okay with this, I would greatly enjoy the experience._

What would you do if you woke up to find Pain naked in your bed?

_As long as Konan is there and she's the one I get to play with, I'm game._

What would you do if you woke up to find Madara naked in your bed?

_I would probably leave Team Hawk and Akatsuki. For the record, I don't like Uchiha males in that way. However, if Itachi left any females alive, you know where to find me._

* * *

**Interview with Akatsuki Associate Suigetsu Hozuki**

What are your goals?

_Collecting all seven swords. _

Who do you want to fight most?

_Kisame._

Why did you leave your country and become a traitor to your country/criminal?

_I didn't leave voluntarily. I was kidnapped. There is a difference._

Who is your best friend? Why?

_Sasuke. I love his power._

What attracted you to the Akatsuki organization? **(Hint: make us look good!)**

_Kisame's a member, and it is a lot easier to find him when you work for the same people._

What is your favorite technique? Your most powerful?

_It's not exactly my favorite technique, but I can dissolve my entire body into water. This comes in very handy when people are trying to slice your head off._

What is your sexual orientation?

_Bisexual._

Would you change your sexual orientation to please your fans?

_What part of I go both ways, do people not understand? There is no need to change my orientation._

Were you a victim of sexual abuse?

_No. Fortunately, my encounters with Orochimaru were limited._

What would you do if you woke up to find Karin naked in your bed?

_I would tape her mouth shut and enjoy._

What would you do if you woke up to find Kisame naked in your bed?

_I would kill him and take Samehada which would have to recognize me as its new owner since I killed its previous owner._

What would you do if you woke up to find Jugo naked in your bed?

_He's not bad looking, but I don't think that would happen._

What would you do if you woke up to find Sasuke naked in your bed?

_Thanks the gods and pin him to the bed._

What would you do if you woke up to find Zetsu naked in your bed?

_Run._

What would you do if you woke up to find Konan naked in your bed?

_I would offer to nail her if her partner nails me._

What would you do if you woke up to find Pain naked in your bed?

_I would explain that I can only handle one of him at a time._

What would you do if you woke up to find Madara naked in your bed?

_I haven't actually seen Madara-sama's face, so I'm not sure. If he looks like Sasuke, then all bets are off._

What would you do if you woke up to find Naruto naked in your bed?

_The latest intel shows that the Kyuubi jinchuriki is pretty cute, so I would probably make sure he does not die a virgin._

* * *

**Interview with Akatsuki Associate Karin**

What are your goals?

_I have two goals. 1) Beat Suigetsu to a bloody pulp. 2)Amass a large perfume collection._

Who do you want to fight most?

_Suigetsu._

Why did you leave your country and become a traitor to your country/criminal?

_I did not betray my country and I resent the insinuation that I would or did. I was orphaned when my village was annihilated during a war. Orochimaru saw my potential, took me in, and arranged for me to be trained in the ninja arts._

Who is your best friend? Why?

_Sasuke. As for why, have you looked at him lately?_

What attracted you to the Akatsuki organization? **(Hint: make us look good!)**

_Sasuke needs them. That's enough of a reason for me._

What is your favorite technique? Your most powerful?

_Kagura Shingan is my favorite and most valuable technique. _

What is your sexual orientation?

_I'm straight, as in I like males, particularly Uchiha ones._

Would you change your sexual orientation to please your fans?

_Would it get Sasuke in my bed? If not, then no._

Were you a victim of sexual abuse?

_No._

What would you do if you woke up to find Kisame naked in your bed?

_I would assume that he got drunk and took a wrong turn on the way to his room. I would quietly sneak out and pray that he never realized I was there._

What would you do if you woke up to find Suigetsu naked in your bed?

_Strangle him._

What would you do if you woke up to find Jugo naked in your bed?

_I would assume that he was sent in place of Sasuke and kindly reject him. I'm saving that for one person and one person only._

What would you do if you woke up to find Sasuke naked in your bed?

_I would prove to him that I will do anything he likes and pray that I get pregnant during the encounter._

What would you do if you woke up to find Zetsu naked in your bed?

_Plead for my life._

What would you do if you woke up to find Konan naked in your bed?

_I would swallow hard and do whatever she wants me to. I can't take her in battle and I'm not about to try._

What would you do if you woke up to find Pain naked in your bed?

_I would pray that Konan was okay with whatever he wanted me to do and hope that Sasuke would believe me when I said I really didn't want to be with him._

What would you do if you woke up to find Madara naked in your bed?

_Does he look anything like Sasuke or Itachi? If he does, I would so go for this. Even if he looks a little aged, I might be okay with it. I mean the babies would still be cute._

What would you do if you woke up to find Naruto naked in your bed?

_The Kyuubi jinchuriki is good looking, but he's a different type of good looking than Sasuke. Still, if getting him in bed would get Sasuke in my room, I'd do it. As for capturing him, he and Sasuke did know each other as children and I wouldn't do anything to hurt Sasuke, so I would leave that decision up to him._


	19. Deceased Akatsuki Interviews

Deceased Akatsuki Interviews

_Phantomflower,_

_It has been a very long time. However, I am glad that this chapter was finally brought to the Akatsuki. Now, supporters can finally read this._

_As of this update, Kisame Hoshigaki is now dead for real. Also, I am sorry that you mother had passed just a few days after Christmas (and the last update). Feel free to express yourself in your writing, but DO NOT hug either me or Zetsu. That is why your father is still around._

_Why have you never told others about your DeviantArt Account PhantomWing123? In addition to helping the Organization, it is a way for you to get more...creative. I know you have a few different ideas floating in your head, but they wouldn't be right without the correct tutorials and research._

_Again, I am sorry for your loss and hope that we remain allies in the future._

_Sincerely,_

_Madara Uchiha _

_PS: Do not threaten me with the Warriors she-cat Mapleshade ever again. She is violent and creepy in her own right. No more of that._

* * *

_Deceased Members in Italics_

**Comments by Zetsu in Bold**

_**Comments by Madara in Bold Italics**_

* * *

**Interview with Deceased Akatsuki Member Sasori **

What are your goals?

_My goal is to become art by turning myself into a puppet._

Who do you want to fight most?

_Although he is dead, I have desired to fight Monzaemon Chikamatsu._

Why did you leave your country and become a traitor to your country/criminal?

_At age fifteen, I left Sunagakure. Soon after, I had kidnapped and killed the Third Kazekage. He became one of my favorite puppets, but my actions had ended up 'sparking' the Third Shinobi World War._

Who is your best friend? Why?

_Before he defected from the Organization, it was Orochimaru. We had several things in common and had done many things together. Our friendship ended after his defection. Currently, the closest thing to a best friend that I have is Deidara, but we constantly bicker. That is a poor friendship._

What attracted you to the Akatsuki organization? **(Hint: make us look good!)**

_It provided me with a way to continue practicing my art. The money is not bad, either._

What is your favorite technique? Your most powerful?

_My favorite technique is any technique using the Third Kazekage. My most powerful technique is Akahigi: Hyakki no Sōen._

What is your sexual orientation?

_Despite fan fiction fantasies involving me being paired up with Deidara, I am either straight or asexual. I did not take everything into account when making my puppet bodies... _**That's upsetting. He couldn't hit on women like the rest of us!**

Would you change your sexual orientation to please your fans?

_No, absolutely not. Anyone who suggests this may not wake up in the morning..._

Were you a victim of sexual abuse?

_No. Orochimaru knew better than to try it with me._

What would you do if you woke up to find Deidara naked in your bed?

_I would yell at him to go back to his own room. If that did not work, I would give him a poison to paralyze him for a few days._

What would you do if you woke up to find Kakuzu naked in your bed?

_Kakuzu and I both are not interested in sex. If this occured, I would either assume that Kakuzu is injured or, if they are no wounds on his body, he was trying to get away from Hidan._

What would you do if you woke up to find Hidan naked in your bed?

_He would be kicked out of my bed and I would complain to Kakuzu and/or Pain-sama. Despite rumors to the contrary, I am not gay._

What would you do if you woke up to find Itachi naked in your bed?

_I know that Itachi is straight and, despite his young age, is not the type to cause trouble. His illness has been bothering him lately so I would think that the kid needed some rest away from the other members and tell Kisame where his partner is. __**Hmm...I did not realize that some members recognized that Itachi had an illness. **_

What would you do if you woke up to find Kisame naked in your bed?

_Kisame is also straight, so this happening would be unlikely. If it did, my assumtion would be that he drank too much alcohol again. Kisame, you know why Konan and Pain-sama made that 'only one container of alcohol at one sitting' rule recently... _**For reference, this rule was made after a 'crossover' incident that happened in a bar. Kisame drank too much and disgraced our Organization in front of other criminals. After that, it was decided that a member can only consume one eight ounce beer, one glass of wine, three shot glasses, or one glass of alcohol in one sitting. Also, because an half-ounce of alcohol takes an hour to exit the body, they will not be allowed to have another for a few hours.**

What would you do if you woke up to find Zetsu naked in your bed?

_This will never happen. Zetsu is straight and knows that I am not edible. If it happens, I would think that Zetsu was fed alcohol of some kind by a fellow Akatsuki member._

What would you do if you woke up to find Konan naked in your bed?

_...I guess I would ask Pain-sama if we could have some fun for a while, but there would be no 'anal sex' because of my lacking of certain anatomy. I'm not sure how it would work out, though. _

What would you do if you woke up to find Pain naked in your bed?

_In my opinion, this would be very embarrassing and compromising. Regardless of consequences, I would leave the Organization if this happened._

What would you do if you woke up to find Madara naked in your bed?

_See above. __**As I have said before, remove me from the questionaire. Also, remove Kakuzu. Both of us were alive in the era of the First Hokage, so we are/were not sexually active (as I see Kakuzu has noted on his).**_

What would you do if you woke up to find Naruto naked in your bed?

_I would restrain him and summon my fellow members for his Bijuu's extraction._

How did this member meet his demise?

**According to reports that we have heard, Sasori ended up battling his grandmother Chiyo and the Kyūbi Jinchuriki's teammate Haruno Sakura after the Ichibi's extraction. The battle went on for a long time, but in the end, Sasori was stabbed in the heart by two puppets resembling his deceased parents. We assume that he died soon afterwards.**

* * *

**Interview with Deceased Akatsuki Member Hidan**

What are your goals?

_Serving Jashin-sama to the best of my abilities._

Who do you want to fight most?

_As I am a Jashinist, I want to fight anyone who can be a good sacrifice._

Why did you leave your country and become a traitor to your country/criminal?

_Yugakure was once a shinobi village, but it eventually became a tourist village. I did not like this in the least, as I've always felt that shinobi are meant to kill, so I killed my neighbors and left._

Who is your best friend? Why?

_I have no friends. The only one that I acknowledge is Jashin-sama._

What attracted you to the Akatsuki organization? **(Hint: make us look good!)**

_It was a way of promoting Jashinism. Also, I had seen someone who I saw as a pioneer in immortality who was already a member of Akatsuki. That person is now my partner, Kakuzu. __**So Hidan did have some respect for his partner.**_

What is your favorite technique? Your most powerful?

_My favorite technique is Jujutsu: Shiji Hyōketsu, which is also my most powerful. It is how I kill opponents in the name of Jashin-sama and it allows me to torture the foe as long as possible. _**No kidding.**

What is your sexual orientation?

_I am straight for the most part. If I will be having sex with other men, it will be on a certain Jashinist holiday whom's celebrations includes an orgy._

_**I am glad that he did not get an opportunity to celebrate that holiday. All of us would've attempted to kill him if he tried.**_

Would you change your sexual orientation to please your fans?

_No. I can choose my own orientation!_

Were you a victim of sexual abuse?

_No. Anyone who tried was sacrificed to Jashin-sama._

What would you do if you woke up to find Sasori naked in your bed?

_I may not be the brightest light bulb, but I know that he is straight. He also does not need to eat or drink anything (which I think is bizarre), so there is no chance of him sipping some sake or wine. This would never happen._

What would you do if you woke up to find Kakuzu naked in your bed?

_I would yell at him to go back to his own damn room. Seriously, he is very old. This would be just creepy!_

What would you do if you woke up to find Deidara naked in your bed?

_He may look like a lady, but again, he's straight. Blondie, I hope you hadn't drank any wine again..._

What would you do if you woke up to find Itachi naked in your bed?

_This would never happen. Itachi likes chicks, not other men! He also does not like alcohol of any kind, so..._

What would you do if you woke up to find Kisame naked in your bed?

_This is a bad mental image. The fish is straight, not gay! If this occured, I would think that he drank too much again..._

What would you do if you woke up to find Konan naked in your bed?

_I would ask Leader if we could have a little fun..._

What would you do if you woke up to find Pain naked in your bed?

_This is just gross! If he ever did this, I would leave this fucking Organization!_

What would you do if you woke up to find Madara naked in your bed?

_See above!_

What would you do if you woke up to find Naruto naked in your bed?

_Which Bijuu does he have again? Anyways, I would yell at him to get out of my bed. I don't want to be seen as a second Orochimaru!_

How did this member meet his demise?

**Hidan had been lured into the Nara Clan Forest by Nara Shikamaru. He and the area around him exploded, blasting him to bits. Hidan may actually be still alive currently, but without people to sacrifice, he will lose his immortality in due time.**

* * *

**Interview with Deceased Akatsuki Member Kakuzu**

What are your goals?

_My goal is to make money._

Who do you want to fight most?

_Anyone with a high bounty._

Why did you leave your country and become a traitor to your country/criminal?

_Where do I start? I was sent on an assassination mission to kill Senju Hashirama, who was the First Hokage. Needless to say, I had failed. Takigakure had imprisoned me for it even though I put life and limb on the line for my village. I had eventually escaped, and I took the kinjutsu Jiongu and the village elders' hearts._

_**Curse you Hashirama! Although, I'm glad to know that my life was not the only one ruined by him. I wish that Kakuzu and I could've talked about the past more often.**_

Who is your best friend? Why?

_I have no friends. Money is the only dependable thing in the world._

What attracted you to the Akatsuki organization? **(Hint: make us look good!)**

_It was, and still is, a great way to make money._

What is your favorite technique? Your most powerful?

_I guess that Jiongu is my favorite. My most powerful would either be that or Raiton: Gian._

What is your sexual orientation?

_Straight, but not sexually active. Has my age not been noticed? __**Kakuzu fans need to notice that although he has Jiongu, he still is old and is not going to romp in bed like some virgin.**_

Would you change your sexual orientation to please your fans?

_No._

Were you a victim of sexual abuse?

_No, definitely not. In case it was not evident, I am very old and do not look the most attractive._

What would you do if you woke up to find Sasori naked in your bed?

_Sasori is straight and rarely engages in sexual activities. Also, he does not eat or drink so there is no chance of him passing out in my bed drunk. This would not happen._

What would you do if you woke up to find Hidan naked in your bed?

_I know that Hidan finds just sharing a bed with me creepy, so he would likely be intoxicated if this ever occured. If it did, I would swiftly put him back in his room so he would not yell and scream at me in the morning. _

What would you do if you woke up to find Deidara naked in your bed?

_Deidara is feminine looking, but is not gay. He is also young, so this invokes a very horrific mental image. If this ever occurs because of Deidara being drunk or drugged, I would go and tell Sasori so he could restrain his partner before I have the urge to go back into a certain habit... _**He never rid himself of his temper, did he Madara-sama? **_**No, he didn't. That's why he was no longer 'officially' punished for killing his partners. It did not deter him and, as noted in the disaplinary section, we could not afford to continue replacing the whip.**_

What would you do if you woke up to find Itachi naked in your bed?

_He may be trying to make it seem like he's fine, but I've noticed how ill he is. Itachi was probably trying to get away from the more excitable members to rest somewhere quiet. I would tell Kisame where he is and then we would decide what to do from there (if he should stay in my room, be moved to his room, or be transported to the Akatsuki medical bay). _

What would you do if you woke up to find Zetsu naked in your bed?

_This is a bad mental image. Neither side of Zetsu is stupid enough to attempt getting into my bed._ **Sir, I am not interested in any members in this way. May my name be removed from the questionaire? **_**Yes, it may. I do not like the ideas of fanfiction authors these days.**_

What would you do if you woke up to find Konan naked in your bed?

_As I have told her and Pain-sama before, I see them as collegues, not sexual partners. I would likely rip out their hearts and leave the Organization if this happened._

What would you do if you woke up to find Pain naked in your bed?

_See above._

What would you do if you woke up to find Kisame naked in your bed?

_Again, this is a very horrific mental image. I will rip out his heart if he is not in my bed for a good reason (ie, being gravely injured or having passed out drunk...AGAIN)._

What would you do if you woke up to find Madara naked in your bed?

_Madara-sama, you have been getting senile lately. If this happened, you would (kindly) be told to be screened for certain diseases that pop up in old age. If it would make you feel better, I would also schedule my own appointment. Even though this would cost a lot of money, our members should have their health as one of their first priorities so they can continue to function properly._

_**I am not senile! **_**Actually, you are. As you have now caused the Fourth Shinobi World War, you need to go see a doctor about your health before we procede anyway. **_**...Fine.**_

What would you do if you woke up to find Naruto naked in your bed?

_I would restrain him and summon the other members for the extraction._

How did this member meet his demise?

**Oddly enough with Kakuzu having five hearts, it took more than one cause to kill him. We will list them all from first to last.**

**First: Hatake Kakashi hit Kakuzu with his Raikiri. With this, he withdrew blood for what destroyed Kakuzu's second heart.**

**Second: Hidan was tricked into using Kakuzu's blood instead of Nara Shikamaru's for his ritual. His Jujutsu: Shiji Hyōketsu had killed Kakuzu's second heart instead of Shikamaru.**

**Third Through Fifth: The Kyūbi Jinchuriki had arrived with his teammates as backup and had created a new ninjutsu called Fūton: Rasenshuriken just before the confrontation. It was so damaging that Kakuzu's remaining three hearts were all destroyed. **

_**As a warning to other members, reports about Kakuzu's autopsy in Konoha have unveiled that he was damaged at a cellular level from this techinique. Also, when Pain invaded Konoha, one of his bodies disintegrated to the point of only leaving the top of it's head intact when hit by a thrown Rasenshuriken. Therefore, approach the Kyūbi Jinchuriki with extreme caution and preparation only! He may be a fool, but he has the ability to easily kill members with some of the abilities he has learned recently. **_

**The Final Blow: Kakashi finished Kakuzu off with another Raikiri.**

* * *

**Interview with Deceased Akatsuki Member Deidara**

What are your goals?

_My goal is to make art._

Who do you want to fight most?

_I want to fight Itachi!_

Why did you leave your country and become a traitor to your country/criminal?

_I stole a kinjutsu from Iwagakure that allowed me to kneed chakra into my clay so I can make better art. Afterwards, my village pursued me and I became a terrorist bomber for hire until I was forced to join Akatsuki._

Who is your best friend? Why?

_I guess that Sasori is because of him being a fellow artist. However, we argue a lot because of our different views._

What attracted you to the Akatsuki organization? **(Hint: make us look good!)**

_I did not join of my own will. Itachi defeated me and forced me to join._

What is your favorite technique? Your most powerful?

_Kibaku Nendo is my favorite technique and is the basis for most of my jutsu. Of these, the most powerful is C0, but it's my ultimate art. I can only use it once. __**Too true!**_

What is your sexual orientation?

_I may look like a chick, but for the record, I am straight. Sasori-danna and I have never seen each other in the way that fanfiction often portrays us. _

Would you change your sexual orientation to please your fans?

_My orientation is my own choice! No!_

Were you a victim of sexual abuse?

_No. If anyone tried, they would be turned into art as soon as possible. _

What would you do if you woke up to find Sasori naked in your bed?

_This is a bad mental image and would never happen. Sasori does not see me in this way and also doesn't consume anything. _

What would you do if you woke up to find Hidan naked in your bed?

_Yell at the prick to go back to his own room. He and I often argue, so I do not want him in my private space._

What would you do if you woke up to find Kakuzu naked in your bed?

_This is a horrific mental image. He's very old, straight, and is not interested in sex. Kakuzu also does not like to drink too much, so this would never happen._

What would you do if you woke up to find Itachi naked in your bed?

_I would wake him up and fight him in my room. I know that I might get in trouble, but I've wanted to defeat him for such a long time! _

What would you do if you woke up to find Konan naked in your bed?

_She's a lot older that me, so I would politely decline any sex. _

What would you do if you woke up to find Zetsu naked in your bed?

_I wouldn't wake up if that happened. I would be dead!_

What would you do if you woke up to find Kisame naked in your bed?

_This is a nasty mental image. Kisame is straight and isn't likely to do this. If he does, he has probably consumed too much alcohol again (Zetsu and I HATED carrying him and a certain friend of his to Kisame's room that weird evening). Leader-sama would be notified and Itachi would take his partner back to his room._

_**For a full record of the 'weird evening' Deidara mentioned, read 'Prankcalling The Hokage 101'. It was another 'crossover' occasion and, for once, everyone violated the alcohol rule except for Deidara and Zetsu. Even I had too much. Like this Handbook, it was published by Phantomflower. According to her, it has a few errors in grammar, but it can easily be fixed. Just be aware that there is a section at the end (an 'omake') that people may want to skip. **_

What would you do if you woke up to find Pain naked in your bed?

_Again, a nasty mental image. If this ever occured, I would flee the Organization to a remote area, consequences be damned!_

What would you do if you woke up to find Madara naked in your bed?

_See above._

What would you do if you woke up to find Naruto naked in your bed?

_I would injure the Kyūbi Jinchuriki with my art, restrain him, and go summon the other members for the Kyūbi's extraction._

How did this member meet his demise?

**Deidara and Itachi's younger brother Sasuke clashed in a battle. After using different levels of exploding clay (C1 - C4), he finally used C0, which is a suicide ninjutsu. Sasuke survived, but some have reported that the snake summon Manda was killed in the blast, sheltering Sasuke in his mouth.**

* * *

**Interview with Deceased Akatsuki Member Itachi Uchiha**

What are your goals?

_Serving the Organization to the best of my abilities._

Who do you want to fight most?

_I mostly dislike fighting, but I would like to battle my younger brother, Sasuke._

Why did you leave your country and become a traitor to your country/criminal?

_As many know, I had eliminated most of my family in what is known as the Uchiha Clan Massacre. Afterwards, I joined Akatsuki._

Who is your best friend? Why?

_My best friend used to be Shisui, but I killed him to obtain the __Mangekyō Sharingan. The closest thing I have to a friend now is Kisame and we tolerate each other, but we do not engage in certain affectionate gestures. _

What attracted you to the Akatsuki organization? **(Hint: make us look good!)**

_This is something that I am not giving away. __**He would not say it while alive, but his reason for joining was to keep an eye on me and the Akatsuki for Konoha. You read right. Even while in our Organization, he was still loyal to his former village and wanted it to remain safe.**_

What is your favorite technique? Your most powerful?

_My favorite technique is Tsukuyomi. My most powerful is Susanoo. _**He was too dependent on the Mangekyō Sharingan, wasn't he?**

What is your sexual orientation?

_I am straight. I once changed my orientation to be gay after too many fangirls, but it did not work out well. __**Understatement of the year.**_

Would you change your sexual orientation to please your fans?

_No. See above._

Were you a victim of sexual abuse?

_There was one incident with Orochimaru, but no others. Soon after, Orochimaru fled our Organization. To date, he is the only known deserter. __**As of this publication, Konan has deserted also, but was dealt with by me personally.**_

What would you do if you woke up to find Sasori naked in your bed?

_Sasori is straight and does not consume alcohol or any other food or drink. Logically, this would never occur._

What would you do if you woke up to find Hidan naked in your bed?

_I would remove him from my room and report him to Kakuzu. I do not like certain loud individuals like Hidan being in my bedroom._

What would you do if you woke up to find Kakuzu naked in your bed?

_Again, this will not happen. Kakuzu is elderly, straight, and does not like to have sex._

What would you do if you woke up to find Deidara naked in your bed?

_He would likely get into a fight with me. After I knock him out, I would take him back to his room and tell Sasori about his partner's behavior. While we are S-ranked criminals, there are still activities that are undesirable and unacceptable._

What would you do if you woke up to find Kisame naked in your bed?

_Despite the vivid imaginations of fanfiction authors, Kisame and I are both straight and are not in a romantic relationship. He is the closest thing I have to a friend, but we are not lovers. If he was ever in my bed like that, he would likely be intoxicated. If that were the case, I would report it to Leader-sama as we have a new rule dealing with alcoholic beverages. As this is not the right place for it, I will not explain this rule here in detail._

What would you do if you woke up to find Sasuke naked in your bed?

_...GROSS! Regardless of the Massacre, I do not view Sasuke in that way. He is still my brother and I have my reasons for letting him live. Given that he hates me so much, if this ever happened, he would likely be either drugged or delusional. Whoever put this question in the Official Akatsuki Questionaire is very sick. __**I concure. This is going to be removed from the final questionaire.**_

What would you do if you woke up to find Zetsu naked in your bed?

_This is a horrific mental image. Zetsu is straight and, as he has repeatedly told members, will not suddenly appear in their beds to eat them overnight. The only reason this would occur would be from an Akatsuki member feeding him alcohol and that is not a likely scenario. _**I keep telling members that, but only Pain, Konan, Itachi and Madara-sama have believed me...**

What would you do if you woke up to find Konan naked in your bed?

_I would politely ask Leader-sama if I could enjoy the experience._

What would you do if you woke up to find Pain naked in your bed?

_I am sorry Leader-sama, but if it's only you and not Konan, I would have to decline. I am straight and will only have sex if it includes a female's participation. If Konan is there and we would be able to have some fun with one another, I would be okay with it. _

What would you do if you woke up to find Madara naked in your bed?

_Disgusting! I am not interested in sex with elderly men or people that I am related to. If this happened, I would attempt to murder or castrate Madara. Sorry, but I do not tolerate certain things. Incest is one of them. __**...Deplorable! If you are going to put my name on these things, leave it off my relatives' questionaires at least. I can understand why Itachi would desire to do those things if it happened.**_

What would you do if you woke up to find Naruto naked in your bed?

_I would capture him and restrain him until it's time for the extraction. However, despite odd fanfiction ideas, I am not going to ravage him in bed. I am not a pedophile._

How did this member meet his demise?

**Itachi was suffering from terminal illness, so while his last battle was with his brother Sasuke, Sasuke is not responsible for his death. It was only through will, medicine, and the love he had for his brother that allowed him to survive to that point. After the battle, Itachi had given in to his illness and died.**

* * *

The breeze picked up. The Shippuden OST song 'Senya' began to play. Black petals began to fall.

Madara and Phantomflower faced each other. Sharingan eyes met a cool minty green. Here, in an isolated forest, the two were meeting and discussing recent events.

"So you and your family are leaving for a trip soon?"

The question came out smooth and quiet. It took a moment for Phantomflower to respond.

"Yes. Hershey Park is far away. But, I will only be gone four days."

Phantomflower's voice was soft and eerie. Her gaze remained on her employer.

"Very well. I'm suprised that you came back after the death of your mother. You are safer around your family, I suppose."

Soon after, Phantomflower left. She did not appear as a human. As the format of her name suggested, she was a Clan cat, particularly from RiverClan. She was known for her unusual talents and connection to the dead. Because of this, she was close to only her family and a few close friends. Most treated her as a monster.

Like a phantom, she and her pale silver tabby fur flitted into the night, not to be seen by anyone but her dear father when she returned to camp. But as she did, her gaze was on Silverpelt. Due to her connection to the dead, she was well aware that the Fourth Shinobi World War was not the only war about to begin. The other was literally a war among the heavens.

_StarClan, please make sure that only a few innocent cats and Twolegs die from what is to come! Yes, I am friends with Mapleshade, but I will fight her to protect the elders, kits, and queens of my Clan. I will even claw Madara's heart out if he threatens Mistystar. Allow me to show my Clanmates that I am not the terror they believe me to be and that the true enemies are not able to be seen. _

* * *

It is actually true that I'm leaving for Hershey Park. I won't be bringing my laptop, so I might ended up flooded with emails when I return.

If there are problems with grammar or the Akatsuki's personalities, tell me in a review so that, when I return, I can work on it.

Yes, I am a Warriors fan. My 'authoress' visage is a very pale silver tabby she-cat with mint green eyes. I might review some Naruto or Warriors fanfiction if I'm up to it.

As for my DeviantArt account, I have not put the Akatsuki Employee Handbook on there. A few years back, I had this idea about the Jinchuriki being revived and the Akatsuki being killed off. It also involved some Nicktoons (it was a multi crossover mainly centered on Naruto), one of whom I've realized I gave too much power. It never took off, but the prologue is still there. It was before all of the actual Jinchuriki and Bijuus were unveiled, so I made some OCs. I still like the Five Tailed Jinchuriki I made for that. She is a Pokemon Trainer actually, but is not a shinobi and is the youngest of the Jinchuriki group.

I did not read OC tutorials or take Mary-Sue Litmus Tests back then.

Sorry for dwelling in my fanfiction mistakes. Hopefully, I can make something good for DeviantArt someday.

Have a good night.

PS: I am actually leaving tomarrow, August 9th. I will likely not find time to answer early reviews before I leave. I will be gone for four days.


	20. Akatsuki Housing Policies

_Phantomflower,_

_ I understand that, for various reasons, you are angry with me. Among the reasons for your anger has been the revelation of my actual identity. With I am not Madara, nor will I claim to be any longer, I request you refer to me as such in the Akatsuki Employee Handbook. The real Madara has permitted it, and believes it may be beneficial so Akatsuki supporters are not confused._

_Supporters might wish to know that there are references to your DeviantArt only work 'Whirlpools of Lightning', although they are vague. This chapter was mandatory for all Akatsuki to read, no matter their rank, as it applied to everyone. When collectively referred to, Akatsuki members, subordinates, and associates are known as 'Akatsuki personnel'._

_My understanding is that you wish to do a sweep of the Handbook to fix grammar and add 'omakes', if possible. In these 'omakes', individuals are called by their surname first and given name last instead of the other way around. As grammar is important, I support this move. Readers need to understand that this process may take a while._

_If there is a subject not yet covered, supporters may let us know so the issues in question are addressed. It is a pleasure working with you._

_Sincerely,_

_Obito Uchiha_

* * *

Akatsuki Housing Policies

By Madara Uchiha

_Edited by Konan_

**Edited by Pain**

**_Comments from Zetsu_**

It has come to my attention that members, associates, and subordinates of Akatsuki are confused about what activities are acceptable to perform in the Main Base. While some of these questions have been answered in other sections of the Handbook, they have not covered all situations.

Many have been concerned about their living arrangements while not on missions. While Akatsuki is a busy organization, there may be occasions where members might have extended periods of downtime. With this section, I hope I can put minds at rest. **Members, note that any underlings of yours who live at the Main Base are required to read this section as well. There are submission forms attached to the chapter to sign, indicating that a member and his/her subordinates have read and understood the rules in their entirety.**

* * *

Noise Limits

While there has been no official rules regarding noise levels prior, senior management has decided to implement some as a result of recent events (Deidara playing some rock and roll music in the middle of the night, waking all of the base). No individual may listen to or perform loud noises between eleven PM and seven AM. _If anyone disregards this, we will not be held responsible for the actions of other members. Deidara spent the following weeks in Amegakure's hospital and was used for target practice for three months afterwards. For everyone's sanity, obey the noise limits!_

* * *

Curfew

It may seem childish, but in Akatsuki, there is a curfew imposed on all staying at Headquarters. Adequate rest is imperative to mission success and health. Occupants must be in their rooms by eleven PM. At midnight, all lights are turned off. **Any member who has a mission with a late departing time must remain in their room until departure. **_**Conversely, any member returning from a mission late at night is to report to Pain-sama and Madara-sama upon return to give a summary of their mission. Afterwards, they are to go straight to their rooms. Mission reports will be handed in the morning after. **__Be careful not to disturb others late at night. Many Akatsuki personnel have unpleasant surprises for those who wake them. _

* * *

Bedroom Regulations

Every member, associate and subordinate who lives at Headquarters is provided a bedroom. The door to each bedroom has a brass nameplate displaying the name of the room's owner. _**Unless you have prior permission, entering another individual's bedroom is not recommended. **_**Invading someone's bedroom can be punished by varying methods. The punishment will be decided by senior management on a case-by-case basis.**

All bedrooms are approximately 200 square feet. They are meant to house one member each. Other members may be invited into the bedroom at the occupant's discretion. For non-management members, their bedrooms also act as their offices for filing mission reports, organizing information pertaining to their assigned bijuu/jinchuriki, skimming over financial documents, or looking over information gathered by spies. The Organization provides the appropriate furniture and tools so these activities may be done in privacy.

Basic furniture given includes a futon, a wooden desk, a lamp, a wooden chair, bookshelves, a dresser, a laundry basket, and a closet. _Storage bins for personal items are provided, but any other furniture/décor must be purchased on your own. Pain will give the directions to the local furniture store for any interested._

Members may decorate their rooms according to their wishes, as long as their effects do not badmouth the Akatsuki in any fashion. Posters showing their interests may be displayed, and rooms may be painted to the occupant's taste. Occasionally, an individual may have a photo of a friend or deceased loved one framed. While houseplants are allowed in Headquarters, certain varieties are banned. _** If the guidelines given about plants later in the chapter do not satisfy your queries, see Zetsu for more information. **_

Each bedroom is equipped with its own bathroom. As an organization of nine official members and many more subordinates and associates, having a single bathroom in the Main Base is unfeasible. Towels, toilet paper, and washcloths are provided, but personnel are responsible for purchasing hygiene products. **Remember to read the hygiene section of the Handbook. Keep in mind what Konan might do if it's not followed. **_In addition to the regular hygiene requirements, members are asked to brush their teeth and floss daily. Dental bills should not eat up so much of our budget. Prevention is better than cure!_

Should any problems come up with plumbing, water or lighting, there are specific subordinates trained to fix such problems. Go to one of them, explain the problem, and let them work their magic. _Do not harass such subordinates while they repair things. While killing your own subordinates is permissible, the ones trained in house maintenance all report to Pain. If the base has a blackout or backed-up water from your shenanigans, you will pay for the bill and training another subordinate._

_Members are responsible for keeping their rooms clean. Failure to clean up after yourself will result in punishment. _**Sneaking into another Akatsuki personnel's room and then trashing it is also forbidden. Hidan, who was new at the time, found out the hard way after he trashed and performed his ritual sacrifices in Itachi's room when the latter was assigned to a long-term spying mission. One Tsukuyomi was all it took for the knucklehead to understand the message.**

* * *

Restrictions on Houseplants/Gardening Guidelines

Members may keep varieties of indoor bonsai in their rooms. These would include the Christmas cactus, Japanese sago palm, and weeping fig. As bonsai have shallow roots, water them regularly.

Most types of houseplants are allowed. Those on the restricted list are generally invasive species or endangered. _**The only exceptions to the above would be carrion flowers, corpse flowers, skunk cabbage, lords-and-ladies, and dead-horse arums. Because of their foul scent, no member is allowed to cultivate them. When I attempted to raise a carrion flower, other members complained of the odor. Itachi nearly had us with his Katon jutsu!**_

While not forbidden, keeping very large houseplants is not advised. Keep in mind Amegakure's wet, rainy climate when making a purchase. Buy artificial lights to provide plants with adequate conditions. Clean up leaves and petals your houseplant sheds to keep your room tidy. Have someone water your plants while you are away.

As they may give away our location, outside plants, with the exception of those grown in the greenhouse attached to the base, are banned. If you wish to grow a plant in the greenhouse, ask Zetsu for permission. He and his subordinates take care of the Organization's gardening needs.

* * *

Kitchen Regulations

With the assistance of subordinates, the kitchen is kept stocked with food at all times. There are specific breakfast, lunch, and supper times, but members may take food at any time. Keep in mind that there is a book for members to sign on the counter so senior management knows who ate what and when. Only sign it when taking food outside of meals.

Staff takes care of cooking the food at mealtimes. As many of our membership are known to be poor cooks, no one should use the oven or stove without assistance. _Itachi, because of going blind, you are no longer allowed to cook. If you want warm food, ask one of the staff in charge of cooking to make something for you. Remember that your girlfriend is my underling and is more than happy to cook if you need it. _**Because of poisoning Kisame with a crab dish in revenge for shaving a stripe down his head, Deidara is banned from cooking as well. Kisame was having diarrhea for days, and could not be sent out on missions for two weeks. For assisting Deidara, Sasori has been assigned to dishwashing duty and is not allowed in the kitchen or dining area with poison on his person.**

* * *

Living Room Rules

A community room is available for use by all members. Among other things, it is furnished with a television, a large couch, a coffee table, magazines, manga, shelves of fiction books for personal reading, beanbag chairs, and shogi boards. Stealing any of these items is not allowed and will result in ten lashes. **Destroying the furniture and other items in the living room will end in one week of target practice and the member's paycheck being used to replace it.**

While drinks are allowed to be consumed in the living room, food is not. Food may only be eaten in the dining room or in a member's room. If a drink is spilled, clean it up. Do not fight with other members over the television, magazines, books, manga, or shogi.

* * *

Training Ground Reservations

A training ground for personnel exists a short distance from the base. It is large enough to be used by multiple individuals at once. In the lobby of the base, a sign-out book is laid out so Akatsuki members may reserve the training ground. Full members are given first priority, then associates and subordinates may have a session.

_**To make sure everyone gets a chance to use the faculty, there is a time limit on training sessions. If you have a good relationship with your partner, another member, or a subordinate of yours, have them book a training session with you. If you need more time to train, use one of the public Amegakure training grounds, but erase all traces of your jutsu when done.**_

* * *

Pet Policy

Some personnel are interested in keeping pets for their enjoyment. The Organization does not mind, but there are some restrictions.

Dogs cannot be kept as pets in Akatsuki. Many grow to large sizes, need to be walked daily, and may severely injure other members. **This means a certain subordinate cannot have one, Konan. You might want to let her know. **_Itachi took care of it. He also bought her a pet not affected by the by-laws. She's quite happy with it. _

While they would help out terrifying image, crocodilians will never be suitable pets. They require large quantities of meat for sustenance and are liable to kill their owner once they are large enough.

Only non-venomous varieties of snakes are permitted as pets. With the Orochimaru fiasco, I imagine they will not be popular for a long time.

Cats are a wonderful choice as a companion. They are small, can be kept indoors-only, only need a small amount of food, and their waste is easily cleaned up. Scratching posts should be provided for the cat's enjoyment. They are usually independent creatures, but will sit on your lap if in the mood.

Hamsters, gerbils, mice, rats, hedgehogs, chinchillas, sugar gliders, and guinea pigs are good pets because of their small size, easiness to care for, harmlessness to humans, and sweet dispositions. They should only be let out of their cage when their owner is supervising.

Livestock, including chickens, horses, goats, pigs, llamas, cows, sheep, and peafowl, are not to be kept as pets. They banned for the same reason outdoor plants are.

Rabbits can be nice pets, but they are not allowed to be housed outdoors. They should be kept in a large cage in their owner's room, let out when appropriate.

As they are very mischievous creatures, especially if left alone, ferrets are banned from Headquarters.

Fish are low maintenance pets. Both freshwater and saltwater varieties may be kept. For information about setting up an aquarium, ask Kisame for advice. Be wary about acquiring pond fish instead of fish more appropriate for an aquarium environment. How an aquarium is furnished is up to the owner.

As long as they are kept in appropriate enclosures, insects and most arachnids are allowed. **Sasori, you may not keep a scorpion. We do not care whether it goes with your name. They are not pets, and might kill another member if they escape from their enclosure. Black widows and recluses are also forbidden.**

Almost all bird species are allowed in Headquarters. _Because of the incident involving Hidan shipping various large birds to base as a prank, it must be clarified that penguins, emus, ostriches, flamingos, pelicans, and albatrosses do not make great pets and are banned. Smaller animals, including exotics, may be maintained. Kakuzu is upset about the money spent on the escapade and is dealing with his partner at the moment._

While technically allowed, turtles and other reptiles often require specialized care and are fragile. Caring for one is not advised.

Big cats are not permitted. Many are endangered, need a lot of meat, require large enclosures, and have been known to kill their owners. **For similar reasons, no one may keep a non-human primate, wolf, or any other creature that may harm its caretaker. **_Any animal that is on the endangered species list is forbidden. For a full list of banned pets, see Pain._

Personnel are liable for their own pet's care. If you are to depart on a mission, a subordinate or trusted friend may be delegated for pet maintenance. _**Members are advised not to harm others' pets. If you kill a pet belonging to another Akatsuki member, the owner is allowed to harm you. You are not allowed to kidnap a pet, either. Any injuries sustained by harming or killing a member's pet will not be covered under the Akatsuki's health policy.**_

* * *

The red tail shark swam quickly in its large tank. It zoomed behind every plant and cave.

The school of bala sharks hid in one of the caves as the red tail came around. On the other hand, the silver dollars went about their business, paying no attention to their aggressive tankmate.

Kisame gazed at his fish tank from his futon. After becoming a missing-nin, his fish were the few things he continued to care about.

The blue-skinned sharkman thought of himself as a good fish owner. He fed his fish properly, cleaned their tank when needed, researched which fish were compatible, and had an underling of his take care of the fish while he was away.

While some members of Akatsuki were not interested in pet keeping, several had a pet or two.

Zetsu was the only member to keep snakes. The dually-colored spy claimed that they were great pest control for the greenhouse. One of his subordinates tended to a beehive that pollinated the plants inside.

Once, Kisame had seen a milk snake wrapped around Zetsu's arm, the cannibal cooing to it softly.

_I'm an animal lover, but that was just creepy._

Wanting some fresh air, the white-eyed man bade goodbye to his fish. He stepped out of his bedroom.

Headquarters was alive with activity. Deidara held several shovels. The young blonde was headed for the base's exit.

"Good afternoon Kisame, un."

Kisame looked in the young bomber's direction. He waved to him.

"Nice to see you too, Deidara. Off to gather more clay?"

Deidara nodded furiously.

"I used my last exploding clay on that hacker I was sent out to eliminate. And, I don't want to stick around, un. Konan's bringing out her cat! I am not a fan of animals, un!"

With that, the youth ran in a mad dash out of Headquarters. Other members and subordinates stared at his retreating back.

"Really… Even Kakuzu-sama refrains from those kinds of comments around other members," Fujimoto Norio, a longtime subordinate of Kakuzu's, muttered.

"Konan might force the brat to care for her cat as punishment for some of his crazier antics if she gets wind of this. Which is a move I completely support," Sasori agreed.

A short teenage girl carried a crate of small dead animals of various kinds from outside. All of them had holes in the neck where a kunai punctured them. She was heading to Itachi's room.

The girl was Itachi's subordinate, Shibata Mayu. Strong for her age, carrying a heavy bin would be a minor inconvenience.

The animals had to be for his crow and his girlfriend's snowy owl to devour.

A soft voice startled those present.

"It's nice to see you all this afternoon. Have any of you met Arisa?"

Konan had just entered the lobby. Nestled in her arms was an orange cat with black and white patches.

Kisame flashed his teeth.

"I don't think we have. Is he friendly? …Ouch!"

Sasori punched him in the shoulder.

"Idiot. That cat, with the orange, white, and black coloring, is a tortoiseshell. Almost all tortoiseshell cats are female."

Konan nodded.

"That's right. But Arisa-chan is very friendly. You can pet her if you want. Just don't take too long. I have to take her to the vet for her shots."

The blue-skinned man stroked Arisa's side with a large hand. After a few moments, he stepped back to allow the others a chance.

Once Mayu came by to give the cat a last rub, she and her owner departed to the main part of Amegakure. Kisame followed after them, but veered in a different direction.

There was a local koi pond in the village he liked to frequent. Many of the resident fish grow to three feet long. Two fish were known to have reached five feet.

Near the pond was a wooden bench people could sit on to watch the fish and a dispenser for koi food. The sharkman sat down on the bench. He trained early in the morning, so he could afford to relax now.

It was entertaining to watch the fish come up for food. There was always the good question of who would grab the food this time. Would it be the white one with orange spots or the black one?

The man with spiky blue hair walked back to Headquarters as the sun began to set. It was hard to tell with the constant rainy weather, but the clouds were tinged with orange, purple, and pink. Supper would be very soon.

Akatsuki personnel often ate in their rooms instead of in the dining room. Fights occurred when everyone was in a confined space. If you wanted to speak to someone during mealtimes, you invited them to eat with you in your bedroom. Words were best said behind closed doors.

This night's supper consisted of rice, various grilled vegetables in a bowl, and grilled chicken. Akatsuki personnel received steel trays to place their food on. In a disorganized fashion, they lined up to grab food and utensils. As quickly as possible, most left the kitchen.

Placing his wooden bowl of grilled vegetables on his tray, Kisame was about to leave too. But, a black-haired teen caught his eye.

Itachi had bags under his eyes. His skin was paler than normal. His sluggish movements were the final clue that he was feeling poorly. Concerned, the sharkman approached his partner.

"Itachi-san, are you alright?"

The teen did not verbally respond. He shook his head.

"You shouldn't be out of your room in this state. If it's okay, may I eat with you?"

The shorter young man nodded. After getting his food, the partners headed to Itachi's room.

The room's walls were painted black. On a wooden perch, Itachi's crow turned to look at its owner's visitor. Kisame let out a quiet gasp when he saw the Sharingan implanted where one of its' normally dark eyes should be.

"Itachi, your bird has a Sharingan."

The black-haired teen closed his eyes. As he spoke, his voice cracked with weakness.

"I am aware, Kisame-san. I was the one to have the Sharingan implanted in Kagemaru's eye. I usually have a genjutsu on him so his eyes appear normal."

The blue-haired man swallowed. He knew Itachi killed his entire family. After a deep conversation a couple of years ago, he learned why the teen killed his clan, sans his younger brother.

Despite his actions, the longhaired teen had morals. Surely he would not raid the graves of his relatives just to implant his kekkei genkai in his pet.

"Kisame-san, I know where your thoughts are going from your expression. I did no such thing. He is my companion, but I would not have implanted the Sharingan under ordinary circumstances."

Itachi looked directed at his partner.

"Where'd it come from, then?"

Seriously, there was an explanation for everything the teen did.

The teen closed his eyes again. His hands folded in his lap.

"Two years ago, I told you about the coup. Not every Uchiha agreed with it. A good friend of mine was one of the objectors. His Mangekyo Sharingan had a unique jutsu that was prized greatly within the clan. Our clan members would have fought over his eyes if he died."

The young man paused briefly for breath.

"He wanted to head off war, but Danzo, one of Konoha's elders, stole one of his eyes. My friend approached me shortly after. He knew I disagreed with the coup, and felt that his remaining eye belonged in my care. I implanted the eye in Kagemaru the night it was gifted to me. My friend died, but it was before the massacre. He made it seem as if his eyes were crushed before dying."

The story finished, Itachi's lips quivered slightly. A single tear fell from his eyes.

At that moment, Kagemaru flew from his perch. The broad-beaked bird landed on his owner's shoulder. He gently cuffed the black-haired teen with his wing.

His owner gazed at the bird, lips twisting into a slight smile.

"Thank you, Kagemaru."

Kisame grabbed his chopsticks. The food was cooling off.

The two partners ate with much gusto. In under thirty minutes, all of their food was in their bellies.

While he looked a little better, Itachi seemed to be exhausted. The muscular man in front of him wondered if he should put the teen to bed early. Ever since he returned from that mission in the Outside, his partner had been poorly.

A soft knock at the door startled the sharkman from his thoughts.

His younger partner nodded at him.

"Can you answer it, Kisame-san?"

The imposing man twisted the doorknob. In front of him was a heavily scarred teenager with ice blue eyes. Her eyes widened at Kisame's form, but not by much.

_Just Itachi's girlfriend, thank goodness. I know he doesn't like Hidan, Tobi, or Deidara coming in here._

"Mitsuki-san, it's just you. Come in. Itachi-san is on his futon."

The spiky-haired girl nodded quickly. She made a beeline for Itachi. A white owl with speckled wings followed behind her.

"I heard from Konan-san that Pain-sama has noticed your failing health. They might take you off missions entirely if you aren't careful."

The black-haired teen gazed at his girlfriend. Slowly, he nodded.

"What is Konan-san proposing so I can continue missions?"

Mitsuki snapped her head in Kisame's direction.

"Kisame-san, I would like to have this conversation be private. Would you be kind enough to leave and not tell anyone about this?"

Grabbing his kitchen utensils quickly off the floor, the sharkman smiled.

"No one will hear about this. You have my word."

After curfew, Kisame dressed for bed in shark-print pajamas. All of the animal affection he had seen today made the usually bloodthirsty shinobi feel warm inside. He made his way to his large fish tank.

"Thank you, for being good friends of mine."

All of the fish swam close to their owner. The sharkman swore that some smiled at him.

* * *

A/N: This was fun to write. Maybe it's because I'm an animal lover.

I want to add omakes to each chapter that have something to do with the section they're based off of. Like having Taka (Team Hawk) in class with Kisame, Hidan being forced to read the Handbook, and the crab incident mentioned in this chapter. It just feels right.

As I made this new chapter, I skimmed through the rest of the Handbook and noticed many spelling and grammar mistakes. They will be corrected in time, but may take awhile.

About my Akatsuki subordinate OCs: Norio and Mayu both outlive their superiors.

Norio is older than most shinobi are and is one of Kakuzu's few friendly acquaintances. Like his boss, he is quite greedy. But, he likes order and is very polite. After Kakuzu's death, he moves to Hi no Kuni (Land of Fire) to work as an auditor. He is not married or in love with anyone.

Mayu was taken in by Itachi as a child. He noticed her taijutsu skills and had them polished by Kisame. She is not a big talker. Mayu is cautious, tries to avoid conflict if possible, but will punch someone's face in if someone threatens her. Before his death, Itachi assigns her a mission: protect Mitsuki at all costs. Mayu succeeds, and is granted asylum by Kumogakure alongside her charge. She lives in Kumo itself, while Mitsuki has been allowed to live on the outskirts near a mountain valley. I am not sure if I should give her a love interest.

I know some people might hate it, but I tried to make sure a certain someone was mentioned sparsely and would only appear briefly near the end. Was the omake too mushy?

For that matter, was it too long? I know this omake is a bit large, but I was trying to pace it throughout, not have it come to a screeching halt.

Please, let me know what you think.


End file.
